FROM THE NEW EDITOR
Since most of you don't know me, let me introduce myself. My name is Nitin, and I live in Florida, USA. I'm the new editor for the DXM Zine. Though you wont see me having written any articles in previous editions of the zine, I have written two (under pseudonyms). I'll let you figure out which two. Well the DXM Zine suddenly went silent after publication of issue 15. After a long awaited period of time, gravol announced he wouldn't be continuting the DXM Zine, due to other projects he has undertaken. After an extended period of time, I contacted gravol about continuing the DXM Zine, since it provided such a valuable source of information for the online DXM community. Gravol knew me from a mutual DXM community, and gave me permission to continue the DXM Zine. Well, it's been almost a year since the previous zine was published (issue 15), with the former editor (gravol). This is just about the 6th year the DXM Zine is being published.
We are going to try and stick to the HTML/graphic format of the zine, and likely a text version as well. The new zine will be offered mainly online, though perhaps in the future I will try and set up another subscription e-mail service for the zine.
Well, lets get down to it, the real zine. Let's go find out what we've been able to compile for you in this sixteenth issue. Have fun and enjoy!
peace & enjoy
Pensacola , FL
Friday, November 23rd, 2003
THE DXM ZINE IS BACK AND WILL BE AVAILABLE WHENEVER WE HAVE ENOUGH ARTICLES!
The DXM Zine will now be published every three months or so (or when we get enough articles to justify a new issue). Any article or contribution sent in will be used or saved for the next issue. With the creation of the zine from scratch, we are not expecting as many article submissions as fast as when the zine was consistent, so until we get enough material we suggest you send in a good article or two, and I'll get back in contact with you. Hope you enjoy the new zine!
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Since this is the first issue in a long time, there are no letters to show at the moment. Please email all letters to the editor at Zine @ Dextroverse . Org
Feel free to discuss your mind...
The following is an update on the DXM Research Project, a privately funded effort to understand the long-term physical and psychological effects of prolonged recreational DXM use, it's benefits and risks, and it's potential for treating numerous neurological and other disorders.
THE DXM RESEARCH PROJECT UPDATE
Welcome all! Væ§ølis here with an update on the DXMRP.
Things are slowly beginning to take shape here, with at least one grant in place and others considering funding. Most potential contributors that I have contacted are other non-profit organizations who raise money for research into neurological disorders such as Alzheimer's disease and bipolar disorder. However, there is another market to tap for DXM research: substance abuse and recovery. We believe that DXM administered in a clinical setting under professional supervision can be a highly effective way of beginning treatment for opiate addiction and alcoholism. Psychedelic studies have been done in the past to treat heroin addicts, and Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, approved of the use of psychedelics to treat alcohol dependence Most of these projects over the years have been scrapped, primarily due to the media vilification of illegal LSD, however some studies do remain. Mostly conducted abroad, researchers are turning their attention to Ketamine for treatment of heroin and alcohol addiction. Ketamine is a drug commonly used in veterinary practice as an animal tranquilizer, and resides in the same class of drugs as DXM- dissociative anesthetics (a class in which PCP and nitrous oxide are also listed). Since Ketamine and Dextromethorphan are so closely related in effect, we feel clinical trails are appropriate. Proposals are in the process of being drawn up, and will be submitted to the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS.org) for further analysis.
I have also been in contact with several researchers in the field who have performed studies with psychedelics, and organizations who are currently working with DXM for it's outstanding antitussive effects. Among the companies we hope to work closely with in the future is Xanodyne Pharmacy, a pharmaceutical research and development company who recently purchased Dexgen, makers of Dexalone. Xanodyne is at the leading edge of DXM research, realizing it's enormous potential outside the boundaries of antitussive agent. Other resources are being sought, but many research companies working with DXM are understandably hesitant to be associated with an organization with plans to study high dose and recreational DXM effects. Alas, our effort continues.
Another aspect of the project that we are chipping away at is finding a research team and appropriate facilities to conduct our studies. Again, proposals are being drafted and will soon be submitted to universities and hospitals with comprehensive neurology programs, along with neurobiologists and psychologists in the research arena. Hopefully we can spark enough interest to begin moving forward soon, as we strive to expose the DXM molecule for what it truly is- a chemical key and psychological tool!
If you are interested in learning more about the research project, would like to become a volunteer or make a financial contribution, please send email to: research(at)dextroverse.org.
Good Health and Godspeed,
Væ§ølis is founder of the DXM Research Project, and cofounder, designer, and administrator of the Dextroverse (www.dextroverse.org), a DXM awareness and information community. He can be reached by email at [email protected]
DXM IN THE NEWS
compiled by peoplesmind
A few highlights of the many DXM media stories since issue 15.
Seven Eight Graders Punished For Possession of Coricidin. In Naples, Florida, Seven Pine Ridge Middle School eighth-graders were punished for having Coricidin, cough and cold, on them. Three of the students were on the drug, and were sent to local hospitals). 41 shop-lifted Coricidin pills were also taken from the children. The condition of the students taken to the hospital was not addressed. Also, officials expressed concern for the dextromethorphan-containing medication to be a gateway drug and lead to other drug abuse, such as prescription drugs. Each student involved was given a 5 or 10 day "enhanced assist" as punishment. http://www.naplesnews.com/03/09/naples/e15913a.htm
Man Looses Chance At Rehab For Giving Robitussin to 14-Year Old A Northampton man who drugged a teenager with cough syrup to entice her to perform group sex acts was denied admittance into a program for first-time offenders. Charged with two counts of corruption of minors, and one count of recklessly endangering another person, criminal conspiracy and disorderly conduct. http://www.nj.com/news/expresstimes/pa/index.ssf?/base/news-8/1065085556297490.xml
DEA Issues Warning About DXM. The United States Drug Enforcement Administration issued a warning to parents about dextromethorphan, an over the counter drug. The DEA made claims that recent escalation of the drug was linked to the internet, and published signs for parents to look out for in kids. http://www.ucadvocate.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi?/200310/22+DEA-warns-parents-of-new-drug-10-22-03_lnews.html+20031022+lnews
Schering-Plough HealthCare Products Issues Warning About Their Product Coricidin. Schering-Plough HealthCare Products about OTC drug abuse of their product Coricidin. In teaming with the Partnership for a Drug Free America, they are attempting to make parents/counselors more aware of Coricidin abuse. http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/family/2632633/detail.html
ISU Student Dies of DXM Overdose. Illinois State University student dies of overdose of DXM. The student mixed the power he bought over the internet with Orange Juice, according to the Coroner. http://www.pjstar.com/news/police/b1ac3r00033.html
Four Students Expelled From Alternative School After Selling "DEX" Powder. Following a Zero-Tolerance Policy for drugs on campus, Williamsburg Alternative School expelled four students for selling "DEX" pills they had gotten from local college students. One was transported to the hospital.
Quick Test Can Detect Coricidin Addiction. A lab in North Kingstown developed a test to detect abuse of OTC products such as Coricidin, claiming as of late OTC abuse makes up 50% or more of their tests. A quick urine test can now detect if a person has been taking DXM. http://www.turnto10.com/healthcheck10/2324669/detail.html
DXM-Related Death in Sweden. IA person died in Nyköping, Sweden, from an apparent overdose of the OTC drug dextromethorphan, which he bought over the internet. Swedish authorities claimed many youth in Sweden have been experimenting with the drug. http://www.dn.se/DNet/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=147&a=173470&previousRenderType=2
ENTHEOGENIC DXM AND ENTITY CONTACT
For about 15 years now I have been aware of the dissociative effects of dextromethorphan, and as a result of dozens of personal psychonautic explorations over these years, I have come to embrace the entheogenic potential of the substance. As a matter of fact, being a relatively experienced explorer of visionary plants and medicines, DXM has become my entheogen of choice, for the range of effects that it presents me with are like no other I have encountered with any other substance. But beyond the dissociation, the out-of-body experiences, the closed-eye visuals which consist of images which seem "more real than real", the most profoundly impactful aspect of my DXM explorations has been the apparent interaction with sentient intelligences of a hypersensory or hyperspacial nature.
A DXM Zine Exclusive
Beginning at a very young age, I was exposed to "unexplained phenomena" by my adopted mother, a highly intelligent scientist, mathematician and artist who suffered from the acute and fatal respiratory illness Cystic Fibrosis. Over the years, she had experienced near-death visions, out-of-body experiences, and other mystical occurrences which she shared with me. Needless to say, her encounters of these phenomena sparked my interest, and I began to investigate many different aspects of the metaphysical. It was around the age of 7 or 8 when she brought the first yogi to our home. What I subsequently learned from his teachings was that there exists a magical type of energy that flows through all things, including human beings. This energy, I learned, was what bound our earthly souls to the divinity of the heavens, and more specifically, to the Creator itself. I began to focus on this energy, and at first I was unable to identify or "feel" it within me. Over time, however, I was able to realize these energies I would come to know as "Kudalini".
At the age of 11, my mother brought me a book from her collection called "Out of Body Experiences" by a Dr. Robert Monroe. She explained that if I was interested in experiencing these mystical transformations, this would be the place to start. The book taught me that the energies that I had only recently found myself able to ignite could be controlled or channelled using various techniques of meditation. In the years to follow, and after much practice, I became able focus this energy to a certain degree, and found myself experiencing the OOB phenomenon which I had heard so much about. This transformed my life in ways which I cannot really explain, but one of the results was the interest I found in taking it further, in pushing the envelope of the unknown, and to "see" more rather than to simply "feel". Hence, at the age of fourteen and without hesitation I took my first entheogenic journey with the help of a blotter hit of LSD, and I have never looked back.
One year later, after firmly establishing myself as a psychedelic enthusiast among my peers, a friend told me of a great way to "trip out" without acid or mushrooms. He said "You've never heard of robotripping? Yea, you just slam a bottle of Robitussin and you'll trip out just like acid!". Well, by that evening I had a bottle of tussin at hand and I was ready to "watch the walls melt". What followed was not at all what I expected, and as the pretty rainbow fractal patterns I was expecting did not emerge, something altogether different happened. I recall the distinct feeling of what I can only describe as "falling into myself", and from what I experienced after that point was that of which I had never dreamed possible. I had a firm awareness of my "normal" Kundalini energy flow, and the DXM enhanced that awareness, but I what I experienced, and have experienced ever since was the introduction of energies which did not previously reside within me. These energies took the form of vibrations and pulses which permeated my body and explored every part of my being. The frequency of these foreign energies varied widely, from a humming vibration to a heartbeat-like pulsation. They could enter me at any point on my body, and would seem to "travel" throughout me, often times stopping in one place and shifting frequencies as though I was having some sort of test performed on that part of my energy system. I found the energies would search my body to make adjustments where needed, and when finished, they would travel to an open chakra where they would tune to that chakras frequency and dissipate within it, almost like being sucked into a vortex. As I experienced these "aural examinations", it became blatantly clear to me that this was no common type of Kundalini energy (if there is such a thing), but this energy was alive and conscious of what it was doing, with purpose and intent, with an agenda which I couldn't comprehend. What was happening? Did I somehow unlock a door separating our physical world from a realm in which the vessel of flesh, a central nervous system, or a brain is unnecessary to retain consciousness? The answer I concluded with still stands to this day: a very resounding "yes".
Over the years to come, these sentient energy beings would become highly welcomed and prayed for, representing to me a spirituality which was based on more than just faith, but a divine intervention that I could feel and expect. I have used many techniques to help channel the energies within me, and I do in fact "talk" to them as the make their visitations. One aspect of the vibrational effects they offer is the ability to induce some really incredible visionary states. Often times, an energy being would travel into my face and eyes, and the vibrations would induce rapid eye movements which would allow me to see amazing portraits of beauty, places, things and people with whom I could interact as though they were in the room beside me. These visionary adventures would shrink me down to a seemingly subatomic size, allowing me to explore things on a quantum scale. Wisping through strands of DNA and riding neutrino particles became commonplace, as though I was being given a sort of tour of the mechanics that makes us human and conscious.
I am still a very active DXM explorer, and these "visitations" represent to me the single most important aspect of my experiences. Prior to taking my sacrament, I do pray, asking for the blessing of the Creator and for the company of my "guides". It is the healing energy that I seek to remove blockages in my chakra system and give me strength in my daily life. To me, this is the equivalent to a Christian person praying for an archangel to watch over them.
It is this reason why I believe that DXM is a highly unique compound, a chemical key to unlocking the door to dimensions where consciousness exists on a grand, unified, and divine scale. Blessed be to my guides, and praise be to the Creator to whom my soul belongs for evermore.
HOW TO GET THE MO$T FOR YOUR MONEY
by DXM Trip [Website : DXM Trip]
A DXM Zine Exclusive
Over the years, the Agent Lemon Extraction Method has evolved considerably, especially in equipment. Originally, it involved siphon tubes, mason jars, and making not so much complicated, but easy to screw up acid reactions. Now in the new millennium, new superior and popular techniques are starting to dominate. Some of these include Lemon Drops, ghetto seperatory funnels, and the use of clear 2 liter pop bottles. Is there any way we can tweak this further while still retaining the "lemon" acid reaction, yes there is. Here are some ideas that have worked for others and are likely to work for you. Most of this is about saving money with some chemical changes.
It seems that many new dexers start with cough syrup and the ohh... so nasty Coricidin. Usually, if syrup is tried first, it is a generic Tussin DM brand. After experiencing the bad effects of high guaifenesin intake, the dexer usually switches. Now the said person is likely to move on to Maximum Strength DXM only preparations, almost always the Robitussin brand. So after a few months of that, a very common biological reaction occurs. This reaction is the extreme nausea of just seeing the syrup, and especially smelling it. Yuck! When this happens, its extraction time. Since the person is currently drinking this expensive preparation (up to $7 for a 4oz bottle), it is used in the extraction that they learned from one of the few DXM-based websites. This is flawed however in the fact that Robitussin cough syrup costs more mulla than it's worth. What would be better is to go shopping around until you find a generic version. It is always called Tussin Maximum Strength Cough and contains all the same ingredients as its brand name equivalent. In fact, it usually always(90%+) comes in a blue and white box that also resembles the other. Now this is true of DM syrups as well, but as we all should know, they are green and white. Anyway, these are usually 1/2 the price so you get twice the bang for the buck! One place that usually has a very attractive price is Hyvee. Their brand is the cheapest found to date($1.96 per 4oz bottle of Max Strength).
To go even further with getting cheap syrup, one can save the bottles for maybe 2 or 3 months and then drain them completely which will take about 1 minute per bottle (every single drop). Now from experience, I can say that it takes about 20-25 "empty" bottles to get an ounce of syrup(90mg's). So 100 should get you a free 4oz'er. This may be a little extreme, but hey, its worth it, and it is fun building structures with all of those dark bottles.
Now on to ammonia. Ammonia is a weak base with a pH of about 11. A pH of at least 9 is required to basify DXM HBr. In most available extractions, an extreme excess is used. It would also work if only 4 oz. 3% aqueous NH4OH were added to 8oz of Max Syrup. Theoretically, much less could be used, but we will stay safe here. That just gave you twice the basing for the buck! Be sure to shake very well though. Another chemical could also be used, which would be very cheap. It is NaOH or sodium hydroxide. A bottle of 510 grams costs about 6-$9. With 8oz of Max again, it only takes 8 grams (about a tablespoon but slightly less, get a cheap scale) to basify. The cost, around 10 cents. Compared to ammonia, which would cost 14 cents, it is a viable alternative. Although now, with ammonia going twice as far, it would only be 7 cents, so whichever you prefer I guess.
Naptha is a key chemical in the Lemon method. It contains almost 10 low boiling fractions of various petroleum distillates. It is found in several forms such as Ronsonal Lighter fluid and VM&P naptha. Usually when chemicals are bought in bulk they are cheaper, naptha is no exception. People who go out and buy menial 8 oz. yellow lighter fluid bottles are paying more than is needed. Go to Ace Hardware or a similar store, and get a 32 oz. container of the VM&P naptha for 3-$4. Again, this is twice as cheap and is the best alternative.
You may be wondering if there is more to saving on this non-polar and there is. What an extractionist can do is reuse it. It seems that 5-10 times is the most before extractions go awry. The reason for this is unknown. Certain steps need to be taken before this will work though. What is best is after the separation of the syrup and naptha, put the naptha in a clear pop bottle and add 3 or 4 times the amount of distilled water. Shake the hell out of this and let is sit for as long as it takes which can be a while (overnight) sometimes. Separate, save, and reuse.
What is the cheapest lemon type product containing citric acid? It is the generic bulk reconstituted lemon juice. Don't get those little plastic lemons because they are much more expensive overall. Another option would be a large container of lemonade mix. Generic is probably best, be sure though that citric acid is a majority ingredient or it won't work.
So far we have discussed mostly chemical cost reduction methods, now I will move on to the equipment. What is the cheapest version of a seperatory funnel? Is it a real seperatory funnel, an upside down pop bottle, a siphon tube, or a plastic baggy. The answer, an upside down pop bottle, with the siphon tube being second. If you have never done this, here is the way you do it. Pour your needed chemicals into a 2 liter bottle. Shake or whatever is needed and turn it upside down. Slowly unscrew the cap until liquid comes out. Obviously there is a fine line between it staying on and it flying off. One way this can be discovered is to practice with some cherry koolaid and naptha. Do everything above and press on the bottle to make it come out at the desired speed while being very observant on how much it can be unscrewed. There you go!
THE "HOODOO VOODOO ROBITUSSIN" RITUAL AND COMMENTARY - BY THE RITE OF THE SACRED ROBO
by Rasta Man (1998)
This is important to follow directions in precise order. If just one item is substituted the results can not be anticipated and may be dangerous. This is old time magick. Please do not use lightly. If you are of light heart please read no further. This is a warning of the highest degree. The Robo Demons may be unleashed, and it is very important not to provoke them.
[Editor's Note : We in no way recommend you try this. In fact we hereby expressly tell you NOT to try this, but if you are foolish enough to ignore advice, please recollect your experiences and send them to zine (at) dextroverse.org]
Like all pure good, there must be a polarized bad. And there is true evil - a document - that is the exact negative of this one. It is of pure black magick and is entwined in evil deception - do not use. This is even worse than altering this ritual.
Building the DXM Altar
First off, you need DXM Altar. It should be constructed of stone, for stone conveys deep messages in crystalline structures. An old stone is best - do not use synthetic brick or concrete stone. If you can secure a stone from an old house's base this will be indeed useful.
Lay on the stone a sacred cloth. It is recommended to use lavender or deep purple, with gilt edges. Under no circumstances use dark or black cloth. Upon this you will put a glass, made of crystal. This will be your tool to journey and make contact with the Gods. Use a clean glass, unscathed, and pour the contents of one bottle of Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough (US brand) into it. You must not spill any, or leave any at the bottom of the bottle.
You have now constructed a basic DXM Altar. It is time for the ceremony to begin.
You must bathe yourself and remove all impurities. After the bathing, put on a white robe and kneel before the altar. You must first bless the altar with the following:
|I bless thee
In the name of Robo Tussin
Open up my Mind
So that I shall find
A great Atonenement
An Island in Time
To vanquish my fears
And open my Third Eye
So mote it be.
At this time drink the sweet nectar of the Robo Gods. Drink it whole, drink it pure. Savor the taste. The thickness will coat your entire throat. Let it settle all the way to bottom and stay kneeling. Be at rest with yourself. Let the great syrup run its course into abyss of the belly. Now it is time to create your doll.
The Hoodoo Robo Tussin Doll
Take the bottle from which you poured the heavenly nectar and penetrate the sides, near the top. Use steel to do this. Again, penetrate bottom in two places, about a centimeter in diameter. Take straw and insert into arm holes and leg holes. Now, and surely last, take straw and insert down mouth of bottle. This represents penetrating the psyche. Take time and patience and heed discipline in your construction. Once finished, move the crystal glass to the back of altar - put your Hoodoo doll centerpiece on cloth, and kneel down three times, repeating the following:
|Come forth unto me
Bring me your wisdom
Bless me in your way
O Great Wise One
Wash away the day
And bring forth Night
Entomb me in Sweet Delight
So that I may stay
To reap the benefits of Sight!
Open my Mind
Open my Eye
Let me fly
Unto hither worlds delight
Show me the light
Of your ways
Show me the might
Of your wonder
For, within my thoughts asunder
I allow you to guide me
Guide me, Great One
So mote it be
So mote it be.
Stay in position with your palms pressed squarely against the floor, but create a triangle with your fingers, and rest your Third Eye region in this triangle. Contemplate. Meditate. Wait.
Stay in this position until you feel the warmth of His Majesty upon you. You shall feel the magick in your blood arouse your senses. It is a warm tingling feeling. Do not tense. Let it flow through you. Be One with your self.
And now, when the sensation becomes too great to bare, lay back on floor or a padded surface such as a bed, with eyes closed, and concentrate on the blackness behind your eyelids, and the Third Eye region.
Great things will be revealed to you.
And you will go on great journeys.
DOUBLE THEORY : DXM FOR TIME TRAVEL & BASIC ROBOWALK THEORY
HOW SLOW DOES SOUND TRAVEL ON DXM? DOES THE ROBOWALK CREATE A DXM-INDUCED BRAIN RHYTHM?
DXM & Time Travel
DXM puts you 2 seconds behind people that aren't on DXM. Let me explain:
On 354 MG of DXM I was listening to a song, and I noticed it was playing very slow (when really it was just playing at its normal speed). So I was sure it was just one of the effects of dissasociatives, it slows down what your brain is taking in (or something like that...I wasn't too sure). Then I thought about it, if I was hearing it slow, and my friend (not on DXM) was hearing it normal, I was hearing the past of what he heard!
Heres an example:
Person A is on DXM
Person B is not on anything
They turn on the song "American Pie"
Person A is hearing it like this:
"Byyyye byyyye Misssssss Ameeriiiicaaan Piiiiiie,
Droooove myyy cheeevyyy tooo the leeevyyy,
Buuut the Leeevyyy wasss dryyyyy"
Person B is hearing it like this:
"Bye bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levy
But the levy was dry
Then good old boys
Were drinkin' whiskey and rye"
Notice that Person B heard an extra 2 lines in the same time frame because Person A was getting it slower. This makes Person B about 2 seconds ahead of time; well actually it puts Person A 2 seconds BACK in time. However you want to put it.
Basic Robowalk Theory
Many people, including myself, can have trouble walking or balancing when on DXM. While some people say that it is a fun part of the trip, it can be a drawback if for say you wanted to simply walk to the park. If a cop saw you, he would question you for drinking. Anyways, I've always wanted to know how to prevent it and why it even occurs. Here is my little theory:
First off, let me say that almost everything you do in life has rhythm to it. When you pedal a bicycle, it has rhythm. When you juggle, it has a rhythm. When you skate there is a rhythm, when you walk there's a rhythm...and so on. Well when on DXM your motor skills are effected, making rhythm hard to find. For example, have you ever listened to music on DXM and found it hard to even nod your head to the beat of the song? Possibly it might be because your brain is having a hard time finding a rhythm to it.
Since your brain has a hard time finding a rhythm to things while on DXM, walking becomes a challenge. When sober your walking pattern usually is something like: 1--2--3--4--1--2--3--4....you can kind of snap your fingers to it. This might be a little hard to graph, but on DXM I find it more like: 1-2---3-4---1-2---3-4. In a way, it's like learning to walk again and trying to find the rhythm. If you have ever learned how to juggle you know what I mean.
AGENT POON-K-OFF : A DXM EXTRACTION ADDITION TO AGENT LEMON
EVER WONDERED HOW TO MAKE A NEAR PURE DXM HYDROCHLORIDE DXM FROM AGENT LEMON?
Extract DXM (freebase) with naphtha from cough syrup using the current Agent Lemon process (http://www.dextroverse.org/extractions.html).
Leave the DXM/Naphtha solution in an area which is warm and ventilated area until the naphtha layer has fully evaporated.
TIP 1. Sometimes you will get naphtha layers that will stay a little wet and not seem to dry, if this happens scrape the crystals all together in a pile and leave for a little while until fully dry.
TIP 2. Greater surface area means quicker evaporation.
Scrape up the DXM (freebase) crystals and dump into glass cup, then fill the glass with water 50ml and stir. The DXM should be suspended (but not dissolved) in the water (which should make the water white and foggy).
Add Hydrochloric Acid drop wise to the suspension while stirring, you should notice the cloudiness will start to disappear. Keep doing this until the solution is fully clear but don’t overdo it as any excess HCI will leave extra unwanted residue. You now have a near pure DXM HCI Solution.
Leave the DXM HCI solution in a warm/ventilated area until it has evaporated into crystals. You now have near pure DXM HCI crystals WELL DONE!
TIP 3. Any HCI solution should be left in a well ventilated area to evaporate as HCI will release a fume WHICH IS VERY TOXIC AND WILL BURN IF BREATHED IN!
TIP 4. I don’t recommend anyone evaporating any HCI solution with a hair dryer as more fumes are released.
Load a capsule and dose!
Dissolve in a shot of alcohol and dose!
Dissolve in a bit of water and dose!
As you didn’t use excess HCI none of these will taste overly acidic!
Thanks for reading from the Dexers in Australia!
THE DEXTRO METH ORPHAN MASTER DOCUMENT : BOOK 1, CHAPTER 1 AND COMMENTARY
BOOK ONE OF THE HOLY MAGIC, THE SACRED TEXT OF AMATALEN
Translated by gravol
Origionally By "Amatalen"
Commentary by peoplesmind
A DXM Zine Exclusive
[Editor's Warning : Do NOT Publish this document. We advise you NOT to read this document. It IS cursed. Spreading this document will curse you. We are NOT responsible for any damage/death/injury/incident this document may cause you. We advise you not to proceeded warning is expressly stated on the document, fuck around or publish this and you will be sorry. Both editors working on this document either broke a limb or were arrested while working on this document. Both were also in car accidents shortly after reading the text. We take a big risk by publishing this, do NOT ignore the warning.]
[Notes : The text is preserved in the line by line format it was sent to us in. All spelling, case, and line arrangement has been made every effort to be preserved from the original text.]
WHICH GOD GAVE UNTO MOSES, AARON, DAVID, SOLOMON AND OTHER SAINTS, PATRIARCHS,
AND PROPHETS; WHICH TEACHETH THE TRUE DIVINE WISDOM.
BEQUEATHED BY THE GREAT SEER AMATALEN UNTO MORPHEUS.
TRANSLATED FROM THE LATIN AND DECODED. MCMLXXVII.
FROM THE EDITOR.
THE DEXTRO METH ORPHAN MASTER DOCUMENT,
THE SACRED MAGIC OF AMATALEN.
[Notes : "AMATALEN" is the original author of the document. This is all that is known about the author, his alias.]
THIS HTML EDITION CONTAINS THE COMPLETE AND UNALTERED TEXT OF THE CORRESPONDING
SECTIONS IN THE SECOND (MCMLXXVII) EDITION PUBLISHED BY JOHN L.ALEXANDER AND
JAMES P. MARTIN.
PREPARED AND TYPESET BY JOHN HARCOURT, NOVEMBER 23RD, 2001.
THE BOOKOF ONES.
The wisdom of the Lord is an inexhaustible fount, for He is the great
spagyrist that knoweth all, provideth all, and alloweth all. He hath granted
unto us Sinners, and what extent of power He hath given unto us mortals over
all things, and in what way it is permitted unto us to use them. Herein of His
wisdom lieth the pouste of the grandevity of the 20th century, and the
even greater witing of the 21st century. Behold the witcraft for which I
am about to bestow upon thou, mere mortals, to open up thy corsaint to the
infinite wisdom of the spagyrist's greatest vessel: the Almighty Dextro Meth
I exhort thou, ye who read, to have the Fear of God, and to study Justice,
because infallibly unto thou shall be opened the Gate of the True Wisdom which
Dextro Meth Orphan gave unto me.
Behold! TheLatin Key to uncloak the mystery of this text is given unto thou:
D E X T R O M E T H O R P H A N
E J Q G I F Q Y N D F I Y U N M
He who hath wisdom shall inherit the virtue of Enlightenment. He who lacketh
wisdom shall fall unto the malengine of the Dark Forces!
THE RITE OF CALSUTMORAN.
[Notes : Calsutmoran (In Russian "Калсутморан") is the name of the same "alien" entity found in William White's DXM FAQ. Contact with Calsutmoran was reported to W.W. by two seperate people, not related. In one contact he explained to the DXM user Cosmic Coincidence Theory. Calsutmoran is sometimes reported as an "alien" and other times as a "angel" but he has told the people he has visited he was from "very far away" For more information please see section 8.3 in the DXM FAQ.]
THE SACRED SEAL OF CALSUTMORAN:
[Note : Not available for This Version.]
FQDRPQYT LJCZXYDFIJE, YQN PINJY JCRNE FWNIZNNI, KNZYFV YGFE DN YQNBNT YF YQN
ORZY PJYN FO MNUYIF DNYQ FIGQJE. FGNE DT DREM JEM DTMINJDZ XEYF TFXI PINJY
VRZMFD. INGNJY YQINN YRDNZ YQN OFCCFVREP:
JCZ XDNER NU, LFDN ZVRYQN XEYFDN LJCZXYDFIJE! FQ ZGJNDJE FO PINJY BEFVCNMPN,
LFDN ZVRYQN XEYFDN. INWNJC YQTZNCO XEYF DN JEM PRWN DN J ZRPE. FQ
PINJYLJCZXYDFIJE, R JZBNYQ OFI J ZRPE. KNZYFV XGFE DN YQT
So mote it be!
Build a talisman for grace and protection with the Mark of Calsutmoran.
First, thou shalt draw upon a cantle of stone a rigol in verd, and within forth
thilk rigol a square. The square is thus rent 7 by 7 into 49 modicum of square,
in the many square thou shalt draweth the numeral of the square of Venus, 1
through 49. In the four remaineth part, thou shalt writeth the four numeral of
Venus, 7 on top, 49 on the dexter, 175 on the sinister, and 1225 to the bottom.
Unkirk the stone, and inchoate draweth of the two concentric rigol. On top,
betwixt the two rigol, thou shalt draweth the astrological sigil of Venus. In
the middle, thou shalt draweth the sign of Venus. On top, betwixt the sign and
the sigil, thou shalt draweth the sigil of the archangel. To the dexter, thou
shalt draweth the sigil of the spirit. To the sinister, thou shalt draweth the
sigil of the intelligence of Venus. At the bottom thou shalt draweth the sigil
of the demon of Venus. Now thou shalt proceedeth to write the name of the
spirit withinforth the rigol. Inchoate on top, the dexter of the astrological
sign of Venus.
[Notes : After much research i figured out the number significance. If you add up the first forty nine neutral numbers, the sum/answer you get is 1225, thus the forth "magik number." 175 would be the third since 1225 divided by 7 is 175. See picture below]
[Picture (from the internet):]
Writeth first BNE ELOHIM.
Eftsoons thou shalt writeth the vocation of the archangel, ANAEL, to the
sinister of the sigil of Venus.
[Notes : From the website, Angel of the Day : "Anael One of the 7 angels of creation. Prince of the Archangels and ruler of the Friday angels. Anael exercise dominion over the planet Venus. He is one of the luminaries concerned with human sexuality and is governor of the second heaven, where he is in charge of prayer ascending from the first heaven. In addition he controls kingdoms and kings on earth and has dominion over the moon. Angel of Students, Teachers & Learning."]
Eftsoons BNE ELOHIM, thou shalt writeth the vocation of the spirit, HAGIEL.
[Notes : In Hebrew "Bne-elohim" means "Son of God"]
On the dexter, thou shalt writeth the vocation of the intelligence, HAGITH.
Ultimity, thou shalt writeth the vocation of the demon, KEDEMEL, at the bottom,
allow its symbol.
[Notes : Kedemel is the demon ruler of the planet Venus according to Geomancy]
Thou spere wherefore include a demon? It beith to hent domination over thilk
demon, leaving it at the bottom. Put not thou thilk sigil at the top of the
talisman, or great goety shall be unleashed. Obtain this talisman near for a
fortnight, and hence charge it as I betake thou direction another stead in
THE SACRED MOLECULE.
Canjodian! Behold the great molecule of wisdom! It shall be thy vessel that
bringeth thou unto enlightenment. Carbon of the 18th degree, hydrogen to the
25th degree, nitrogen and oxygen! Come hither, come ifere! Behold the magic of
the sacred atoms that uniteth under the watchful eyne of the Almighty.
The weight of the molecule revealeth infinity itself! The weight of the
molecule, two hundred seventy-one and four-tenths, rend by the sacred eleven,
revealeth an infinite number:
Behold the magic! Forsooth, the trutination of the molecule itself is a
forthright testament to the Universe and all its Majesty. Whenas it is
withinforth, thou shalt feel the thirl of energy that rusheth around thy
cranium and witness the gerful nature of thy solitude. Let every one acknow
this which I lear, is the thilk wisdom and magic, and which is in thilk book,
and independent of any other science, or wisdom, or magic, soever.
THE SYMBOLOGY OF ONE.
Mars and Mercury unite! Ansuz of the rune, activate! I am the Magician, the
Jackanapes. I am of One, by One. The teachings of Amatalen shall not be uptook
the dexter way withoutforth the importance of the number One.
Behold! The Melting Point of the great Dextro Meth Orphan! Unity revealed:
And now, I shall bestow upon thou the wisdom of 111, the first key to unlocketh
the 11 doors of Dextro Meth Orphan. With each key bringeth a ritual and
direction shall only be performeth on the First Day of the Winter Solstice
neath the light of the waniand. And wherewith conditions are not met, an
abaddon of raging demons shall be cast upon thou in thy dreams, and ye shall
give up thine ghost within forth a fortnight.
[Notes : Perhaps an attempt to explain the 11:11 event? Notice the September 11th reference below.]
After 11.September of every year, there lieth 111 days left in the Gregorian
Calendar. This calendar hath been filleth with cautel. The sanctity of
unknowing hath been built withinforth the Western Civilization and shall
eventually provide its undoing. Ye, oh ye of Great Wisdom, heareth my words so
they may speak to thine very soul!
The Mystery lieth inwit. Only thou can congree, and with much bethinking. Only
thou can unlock the Great Mystery.
Thou hast one soul and one soulcase. Thou hast two eyne, but one vision. The
Master Number can never be gnided. It in itself is a unit of One.
Behold my dream! A dream brought forth by the vision of Dextro Meth Orphan! I
allowed my eyne to dup, and saw a great multitude of men in white trim. There
numbereth 111 of them. They enclasped in a rigol, a great rigol, and their eyne
were of cataract. They spoketh in tongue, and there was one worder with one
breast above the rest. Behind his costard the Sol cast out its fury, darkening
his figure cap-a-pie. A great umber was made, and in it I envisioned inigfluous
cities and saw cacodemons rising from the ingle, and I was greatly disturbed,
until I heard laden from above. It quoth:
TOIL AND TURMOIL WILL BESIEGE A LAND
FOR ALBION AND THE EAGLE
STOUR DRAWETH NIGH.
BEHOLD THE MERGING POINT:
BABYLON THE GREAT INSTAURETH.
THE KYTHE OF THE MURRAIN.
THE JANUS-FACED DEMON OF EOAN.
UTTERANCE AND WRACK,
A NEW IMPRIMING.
After the waning of the steven, I envisioned within the circle the continents
of the glebe, and I felt gramercy, for this was not within my throw.
Be joyous in thy present day, be joyous in thy youth. Thou shalt know whenas
thine time cometh. Thou shalt live the maat sweven of thy fears. Only then
shalt thou be the thy Conquerer of thine own destiny.
[End Chapter One.]
 power; dominion; ruleship.
 great age; long life.
 wit; logic.
 corps saint; "holy body"
 evil purpose or trickery.
 fortune; luck.
 alternate chemical name for dextromethorphan [Erowid].
 object believed to confer on its bearer supernatural powers or protection.
 of dawn or east
A GUIDE TO FOCUSED MAGIKAL WORK WITH DEXTROMETHORPHAN :
A CHAOIST PERSPECTIVE
By Brother M.A.
A DXM Zine Exclusive
Introduction : Ritual use of entheogenic/psychedelic ‘allies’ is an ancient and effective means of placing oneself in contact with archetypal forms and non-ordinary manifestations of power. Traditionally, examples have included hashish, peyote, datura, and various fungal species. In modern times, the exploration of the synthesis of novel compounds has led to the discovery of a good many other such ‘allies’ - the most well-known example being that of d-lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD-25). In my opinion, the psychedelic opioid d-methorphan (DXM) presents a unique set of characteristics that make it a most useful substance (for many) in the practice of some aspects of magick (as I shall make clear below, those who rely exclusively on drugs are fools). Perhaps here it would be good to lay out our premises.
1. Magick represents a system of induction, deduction, observation, experimentation, and abstraction - in short, a science.
2. Persons following the dictated steps will receive results.
3. The power with which magick is concerned is not primarily oriented towards ‘magical powers,’ or dime store miracles. Magick is a science of Self/Self-development.
4. The judicious use of specific drugs at certain phases of the training process can vastly accelerate progress.
5. DXM is such a drug.
So, What’s That All Mean?
Magick has been defined as “change in conformity with will.” From this perspective, every truly willed act is a magickal act. Every facet of our lives becomes enriched by being performed with full conscious awareness - in the famous reply of the Master to the student, Zen Illumination is “attention.” A fundamental problem in this area is that many people confuse wanting with willing. Another is that many people take it for granted that they are awake and paying attention when, in fact, they are walking in their sleep.
Magick is primarily concerned with the development of an unimpeded channel between the so-called ‘Higher Self’ and everyday egoic consciousness. To this end, there are a number of techniques that together constitute a sort of natural science of ‘inner space’ (which is identical with ‘outer space,’ to those who know). Proper application of these techniques brings indisputable results. Persons who complain of having searched for illumination and failing to find it are simply offering excuses for their own laziness.
In the process of clearing out obstructions (thus bringing the whole organism to higher levels of general functioning), certain powers may manifest themselves as appropriate. The student is most earnestly warned against making an ass of hirself during such moments of grace. The student is also warned to be on guard against the development of delusions - constantly test and re-test any and all elements of your belief system.
Drugs can be used to great effect at certain phases of the process of self-development. It is important to emphasize the distinction between use and abuse. One can think of the potentialities released by psychoactive chemicals as being akin to nuclear energy (a metaphor I am hardly original in employing). If these energies are successfully channeled, one has harnessed a vast new source. If they are employed carelessly, they can cause a great deal of damage.
Successfully using drugs requires honesty with one’s self. When one is being more hindered than helped by a drug, it is time to ceasing using it, at least temporarily. In any event, the focus of this paper is not ritual use of drugs in general (a whole book’s worth of discussion), but ritual use of DXM. What makes DXM an interesting drug for magickal work?
First, it has a tendency to promote a state of detachment from mammalian emotional reflexes. This state of detached rationality is in many ways analogous to the desired result of the Work - the social self (the mere froth on the sea) being brought into line with the True Will of the Higher Self. It is not that one is emotionless - rather, emotions have been put into their proper perspective - tools to be used as appropriate. One no longer lies to one’s self or others as a means of defending petty emotional interests.
At fully dissociative levels this aspect of the drug is often manifested as a sort of objective life review, in which one understands in totality the consequences of the choices one has made. This seems similar in many aspects to the classical near-death experience, which is unsurprising, as an increasing body of evidence indicates that dissociatives are intimately related to brain processes occurring immediately prior to biological death. Consider it a sneak peek.
Because of this state of unattached honesty, DXM can function as a spectacular (meta)-programming agent (indeed, many, including the author, feel that DXM and the other dissociatives may function more spectacularly than LSD in this regard). One can follow the steps of any logical process to its inevitable conclusion, not being swayed by entrenched emotional interests.
Second, it has a tendency to disrupt the internal dialogue, giving way to an oceanic sense of silence. Each of us constantly carries on a conversation (usually multiple conversations) in our head. By talking to ourselves in this manner we keep consciousness locked in almost entirely mechanical pathways of association/behavior.
By disrupting this internal conversation, DXM allows us to engage in perception without talking to ourselves about what we perceive. This sounds relatively simple, and perhaps it is, but the results are profound - in place of the usual internal exchanges of verbal labels, we directly perceive the utter inconceivability of the existence we reduce to manageable proportions with the verbal tools by which we scoop little bits of Actuality into our sand buckets.
Third, DXM has a tendency to promote a sensation of consciousness as in some sense separable from and independent of matter. This sensation of an essentially discarnate element of consciousness can make the performance of certain magickal operations (such as, most obviously, astral projection) much easier.
I should note that it would be a mistake to take this sensation as literally true (though it would also be a mistake to take strict materialism as literally true). We do not possess enough evidence to make firm decisions in either direction. The best we can hope to do is gather evidence and generate models.
Fourth, DXM enhances visualization capabilities. Many people report intensification of both memory and fantasy with eyes closed, up to the point of fully interactive immersion in their memories/fantasies. This works as a means of reaching catharsis with highly charged unresolved memories. It can also work as a means of analyzing future courses of action and examining their possible consequences.
Fifth, DXM tends to leave the user with a sense of control over the experience (that is, at doses below those at which all sense of personal identity is obliterated). Other psychedelic drugs, such as d-lysergic acid diethylamide, may leave the user feeling very much out of control. It is dependent on context as to which experience proves more spiritually valuable. If one is attempting to focused work with a substance, a substance that is considerably less noisy would obviously be of more value.
Sixth, DXM tends to disrupt routines. Many people find that it makes them acutely aware of the mechanical nature of their ordinary behavior, and causes significant alterations in behavior that is normally unconscious (such as generation of social cues in interaction with other persons). Simple as it sounds, one of the main tricks to maintaining a magickal state of awareness is simply to vary one’s routines. If one usually does a certain activity, deleting it can promote a state of lucid awareness in the moment, as opposed to busily running around in our abstractions.
Of course, DXM has a number of other effects as well, but these are not of interest to us here. The following are some guidelines for effective work with this compound:
Not Not Sacrificing Goats
First, the aspirant should not use DXM frequently. It has a number of features that make it particularly unsuited to frequent use at moderate to high doses, including memory and socialization problems. Proper spacing of experiences is crucial if one wishes to derive the maximum possible benefit from this compound. Of course, if one only desires to get fucked up, DXM will do that for you too. It’s all a question of what one values.
Generally speaking, one to two experiences with DXM per month should be sufficient. Many people find that DXM produces long-lasting after-effects (these may be positive, neutral, or negative, dependent on the ways in which one has prepared for the experience), and the existence of such after-effects makes repeated dosing within the time period that one is still affected by (though not intoxicated on) the drug undesirable. Experience and observation has shown binge use of DXM to be particularly likely to lead to the development of delusions that are outside the conscious awareness of the subject.
This is not to suggest that one should adopt a mechanical routine of using DXM every month, even when not necessary - one should not adopt the mechanical habit of suspending mechanical habits. Nor am I suggesting that anyone using DXM more frequently is inevitably doing harm to himself or herself - circumstances vary too much for blanket statements in this area. As I said, generally one should be aware of the long-lasting nature of DXM’s effects on psyche/soma, and adjust use accordingly. Be honest about your motives - ask yourself why you are taking DXM each and every time that you take it. If you just want to relax, giggle, and possibly vomit, just drink alcohol.
Second, DXM tends to be a drug that affects the healthy better than the sickly. While this may appear to be a matter of simple good sense, many drug users do not take adequate care of their physical bodies. If the corporeal frame is running low on energy, one’s ability to constructively process and integrate powerful experiences is hampered, and the side-effects that one experiences almost invariably increase. Think of the drug as the fuel, and the body/mind system as the vehicle. If the vehicle is not properly tuned, it will not make efficient use of the fuel.
A full discussion of physical fitness would occupy several volumes, so let us touch only on some of the essentials here. One must eat a balanced diet (of course, fasting on the day of ingestion, aside from the vitamins, minerals, and supplements listed below, and healthy portions of water, is perfectly acceptable). One will wish to ensure that one drinks 8-10 8 ounce glasses of water daily. One might also consider taking one multivitamin/multimineral, one megadose of vitamin B complex, 100-200 milligrams of vitamin C, 400-800 IU of vitamin E, 100 milligrams of CoQ10, and 400-800 milligrams of DMAE daily (some have reported beneficial effects in the reduction of nausea with the addition of alpha lipoic acid, but the efficacy of this supplement for this purpose is questionable -still, it won’t hurt, and alpha lipoic acid has a wide range of other health benefits).
The multivitamin/multimineral is suggested because most people simply do not get enough of one or another (or many) vitamins/minerals. Vitamin B complex is essential to maintaining energy levels, is water soluble (and hence depleted rapidly), and is synergistic with DMAE. High doses of some B vitamins, such as pyridoxine, has been associated with neurotoxicity, so one daily megadose should be fine. Vitamin C is a potent antioxidant, as is vitamin E (and alpha-lipoic acid), and all have a wide variety of circulatory and other benefits.
CoQ10, because of its powerful antioxidant effects, is quite good for the heart and assists the body in energy production via ATP. DMAE is a cognitive enhancer, and seems to assist in both day to day information processing, and in the ability to remember one’s dexperiences, both while ‘up’ and when later ‘down.’ Due to theoretical concerns over lifespan in animals (DMAE increases life span in some tests, decreases it in others), DMAE should not be used daily for extended periods.
As it appears to induce tolerance for many individuals, staggering one’s dosing schedule seems to be for the best - even without consideration of the foregoing information. For myself, I have found regular use for 2-3 weeks to be optimal, followed by time off that is as long or longer (up to 4-6 weeks). Some people react badly to DMAE - epileptics should not use it. Some persons report pronounced stimulant effects with high body load with this compound, while others report intoxication of a similar order to ethyl alcohol. Test doses of DMAE of 100 milligrams or so should be used, and the doses slowly increased, with constant monitoring for any untoward side effects. Personally, I find that it enhances my motivation, concentration, memory recall, and visual acuity with no appreciable side effects.
Regular practice of hatha yoga also seems to be a good idea. In addition to beneficial physiological effects, many hatha yoga positions seem to function as catalysts for altered states of consciousness. Regular practice of sitting meditation and breathing exercises can also be of aid. Consult the recommended texts at the end of this document for more assistance.
Some may object that this is a lot to go through simply for the sake of getting high, and they are, indeed, correct. However, it is this author’s opinion that DXM in and of itself is a lot to go through simply for the sake of getting high, and that persons using it simply because it’s available might wish to re-evaluate their drug use. While DXM can be an absolutely profound experience, it is also a poor substitute for marijuana and alcohol.
One important thing to remember is that high doses do not necessarily result in productive experiences. As the dose rises, interference with short-term memory will also increase. Eventually, one reaches a point of diminishing returns - one returns to consensus ego consciousness with the conviction that something profound has happened, but one cannot remember just quite what it was. Correct dosage of dissociatives is absolutely essential if one wishes to do focused work with these compounds.
Taking the Helm
The following is simply a rough format that I have developed for my own personal use. You may find it more or less useful for yourself. Experimentation is absolutely encouraged. I am not seeking to offer dogmas, but rather to report certain experimental results that have been encountered in one relatively healthy and intelligent subject (myself) and hir group of acquaintances.
First, it is essential that prior to the decision to use DXM one is clear on why one is using it. If one is seeking simply an enhancement of one’s meditative practices, consumption of “first” or low “second” “plateau” doses may prove more helpful than larger doses. If one is seeking a fully visionary experience, larger doses (within limits) may prove more useful. If one is simply seeking an experience to break up an intellectual, emotional, and/or spiritual malaise, “let your conscience be your guide.” When the time is right, you’ll know. And if you’re just abusing the medicine because you’re bored…you’ll know that too, and it will affect your experience.
Second, engaging in prolonged hatha yoga and meditation prior to dosing significantly improves the quality of one’s experience, and one’s ability to subsequently retain and integrate the information. I have found that many times the loss of memory experienced with DXM seems to be, not a matter of a direct pharmacological property of the drug, but rather, a lapse in my personal awareness - in other words, I wasn’t really thinking at the time, and thus, what I see is my absence of thought - my mind confined in its usual categories. Hatha yoga and meditation, practiced before the trip, subsequent to dosing, for as long as one is able to during the experience, and afterward forces one to pay attention in the moment. It may sound cheesy, but it works.
Third, it is helpful before dosing to invoke several personal heroes, and ask for their circle of protection. A classical banishing ritual might also be in order. Even if one holds that these work on purely symbolic levels, symbols can be useful tools for dealing with the mind at levels of its operation that are not purely rational. Set/setting, and all that.
Fourth, don’t expect any drug to do all your work for you. The state of Awareness cultivated by magick is largely a matter of paying attention, and while a drug may prove useful for jarring you out of trance and back to attention, it won’t make you so good at paying attention that you can stop paying attention. No one experience can possibly liberate you forever. Liberation is an ongoing process, just as is the life in which it takes place. Choose your allies wisely.
Magick, Aleister Crowley
Liber Null/Psychonaut, Peter Carroll
Journey to Ixtlan, Carlos Castaneda
On Having No Head, Douglas E. Harding
Initiation, Human and Solar, Alice E. Bailey
The Center of the Cyclone, John Lilly
THE ZION CURTAIN, A DXM NOVEL : CHAPTERS 1 - 3
By Kill Minus Nine
There are cigar aficionados, Spanish dog breed Aficionados and the West Coast aficionados of postwar coffee-shop architecture…I was narcotic aficionado.
The Plasma Center
It was as cold October morning on the west-side of Salt Lake City. I sat across from Andrew in the plasma center. His face was dripping with sweat, his skin ashen, eyes distant. I rocked back and forth slowly holding my arms close to my stomach. My guts tugged and wrenched as wild dogs’ rip and tore them apart. I wanted my 12 bucks so I could get the fuck out of there. 12 dollars was just enough for one shot of smack or 2 bottles of cough syrup. If I couldn’t get smack then cough syrup would have to do, it helped take the edge off my narcotic cravings. Drinking cough syrup it is not easy, choking down bottle after bottle of cough formula is an arduous task.
"Valentine, William Valentine" The woman at the counter snapped. I knew the routine; I walked over to the counter and rolled up my selves. Several small bruises and puncture holes adorned my arms. "Are you are intravenous drug user?” "No, I am diabetic.” She was smirking "Have you tested positive for HIV?” "No". "Do you have hepatitis?” "No" I answered quickly? “Give me your right finger", she pricked my finger and gathered the blood, “go sit down, I’m done.”
It never fails, I could be in a bus station, this shithole a street corner; I am a magnet for degenerates. They pursue me, like vampires sucking me dry and leaving me in a state of paresis. Why me? There is enough human refuse in this world and someone always latches on to me. They tell me their life story or ask me for spare change.
"How ye doin?" I tried to ignore the stench of vomit and body odder growing stronger and closer. "I like yer boots," I squinted. A gray-green prison tattoo of a dragon slithered out of his tan terry cloth shirt and wrapped around his neck. A dirty red bandana was tided around his head; long white hair adorned his crippled shoulders. His greasy smile revealed decaying yellow teeth. "Hey brother, wanna sell them boots?" I slid to the end of the bench “No man, I don’t wanna sell um.” I could feel the bench start to vibrate, a pause of vehement denial “You sure you don’t want to sell them boots?” Leroy was shaking, as he looked me in the eyes as he pulled his shirt off. Seven pink scares, old bullet wounds in a zigzag line a crossed his chest. "Lookie here?" I sat there motionless. "Cambodia, ya sunofabitch!" --oh shit here we go--. Leroy is all red and pulsing "Look dude, I like my boots, I want don't want to sell them." I looked at Andrew, he is trying to hold back his laughter; the guy next to him is sitting in a small pool of urine.
Click - - -static---“Valentine”--- static ---“William Valentine” - - - click --- “Sorry Leroy, the Pincushion room is callin” I tap my arm, 𠇍on’t want to miss the free orange juice and a cookie.”
The air outside was crisp; I lit up a smoke “I feel like shit Andy." I shivered. "I fuckin hate donating plasma". Andrew looked at me; "Maybe we can score some shit at the park". I glared at Andrew "With 24 bucks? What is that Andrew, maybe a shot a piece, then what?” Andrew was sick of all the bullshit too. "Well fuck you then! I ain’t drinking no fucking tussin." I spoke sarcastically “Ok Andy, say you score a dime bag. Six hours later yer wantin another shot. Dude yer actin like a little girl, drinkin tussin ain’t so bad.” Andy didn’t like to argue with me, “Whatever dude, if it make you happy I’ll drink the shit.”
We walked past abandoned brownstones passing several gray dispossessed junkies sitting on the sidewalk. Wet newspaper and broken glass in the street, we crossed the rusty railroad tracks to Hassan’s Corner Mart. Arabic music played softly in the background. ‘Hassan argues with his wife about the magazine display’ I walk past the candy bars and potatoes chips. My eyes scanned for some kind of cough syrup that would be easier to choke down but nothing catches my eye. The usual suspects Robitussin Maximum Strength, generic maximum strength and Vick Formula 44d. All this shit was really nasty tasting, but when you can’t score narcotics it will suffice.
I pulled two boxes of Robitussin from the dusty shelf. Hassan watches my every move, his shoe’s squeak as he arches his feet and stands on his tiptoes. Andy was close behind me, he grab two more boxes. “Good day boys,” Hassan smiles, “How are you doing today?” Hassan comes from behind the counter and motions to me to come closer. He speaks with thick Arabic tones, “fifty dollar Pakistani tar.” I dig deep into my pockets and pull out lint a 10 dollar bill and two ones. “Not today Hassan”, I shake my head. Hassan pats my back “maybe next time boys”.
It was beginning to snow heavily; the sky was a foggy, dull and pink. Salt Lake City is very dreary and depressing in the winter, like an old penal colony. Andrew cracked the seal on his cough syrup and drank the whole bottle in two gulps. Red lines of sticky cherry syrup ran from the corners of his mouth. I opened my Robitussin and gagged it down. The burning and wrenching in my stomach slowly changed into a warm gentle glow. Objects and faces took on a pastel fuzziness. The freezing air no longer bothers me. My skin was slightly numb and the warm tug in my belly melted into electric honey and flowed down the arteries in my legs, to my feet …here it comes… a sudden rush of warm honey pounded through my heart and into my head. Through my Wonka Vision I could make out magnificent snowflakes hitting the earth, lifeless trees and snow covered cars glided by.
We walked under the overpass trying to find cover from the snow. Smoke from burning barrels of garbage stung my eyes. Indians and older men in dirty coats huddled around smoldering barrels, drinking and trying to keep warm. From of the corner of my eye I could see a black heap in the shadow of the overpass. I nudged Andy with my elbow, “dude check it out”. We walked closer, "it’s just a junky Will, let's get the fuck out of here." Andrew spoke quickly, "dude you are always to freakin paranoid” I replied, "I just wanna see if he is holding." I got closer to the black pile and kicked it “Willy, he is on the nod leave his junky ass alone!” I could see a syringe sticking out of his frozen arm. The syringe was filled with black blood; his face was sallow and pale. “He ain’t on the nod, he’s dead.” I stood hovering over the dead junky, fumbling through his filthy coat. I found a small black leather case. Digging deeper I could feel a plastic baggy …score… I slowly pulled the syringe from this unyielding frozen arm (I had to ditch my rig a week ago) this was a real find. I unzipped the leather case and looked inside. The whole works; a spoon, extra needles, lighter, cotton balls and surgical tubing. I placed the blood-crusted syringe carefully in the case. “Come on, come on let’s get outta here.” Andy said nervously.
We walked for about 15 minutes through the frozen slush until we were downtown. The downtown streets hummed and moaned softy. We floated like transparent apparitions into the lobby of the dilapidated Desert Vista Hotel. I followed Andy up 3 flights of stairs to the roof and disappearing into an old rusty ventilation duct. Andrew had discovered the duct on the roof sometime ago. We spent a lot of time in the duct; it was our hide out when no one would take us in.
After our band broke up Andy and I decided to leave the music scene for a short drug hiatus. Andy was the singer; he had about 13 or 14 girls who thought he was a demigod. These chicks were always willing to take us in. They would feed us, give us clothes, sometimes money or let us crash at their places. Andy theory was no matter what a chick looks like, when you stomach is empty you’ll do just about anything for them. It was prostitution, but Andy didn’t see it like that. He was just offering a service and in return the girls keep us feed and clothed. Hell I wasn’t complaining.
Andrew fumbled around looking for a candle. He handed me a half-empty a bottle of vodka. “Here you go Wily”, I dropped the hypo and needle into the bottle. The old blood gradually melted away and turned the vodka a black-red color. I unzipped the leather case and took out the contents. Andrew took his coat off, rolled up the sleeve on his right arm and tied the rubber tubing around his biceps. He pumped his fist, rubbing and slapping his arm. I went outside and grabbed a handful of snow and put a piece of it into the black junk spoon. Opening the baggy dumped a small amount of the brown power into the spoon. The candle flashed and sparked under the spoon as the snow melted and boiled dissolving the mixture. I dropped cotton into the spoon and drew the warm junk into the syringe. A fat blue-green vein surfaced on Andy’s arm. He grimaced as he poked the needle into his skin hitting a vein. Sucking the plunger slowly, bright red blood drew back into the hypo. Andy pushed the plunger down and closed his eyes.
Andrew loosened the tourniquet, his shoulders dropped and his eyes glazed over rolling back into his head. Andrew slid slowly onto the tin floor as spit dripped from his open mouth. "Andy, wake up." Andrew shook his head and pushed me away, his speech was garbled, "I’m ok Willy, just a little sick." As soon as he said Willy I knew he was going to be fine. Andrew was the only one who ever called me Willy, most people call me William or Will, no one called me Bill, I hated the name Bill.
&Hoowaa;, hooowaaa, uhh shit, bluhh.” Andrew vomited a huge pool of cherry cough syrup on to the cold tin floor. "Oh shit! Dude get up and go outside!” Andrew wrestled with gravity as he pulled himself up. He crawled on his hands and knees out of the duct. The air was sour with cherry vomit, I yelled to Andrew “I don’t wanna clean this shit up Andrew! Andrew yelled back “I told you I didn’t want to drink that shit!”
I cooked up a shot, click… click… click… my fingernail tapped the glass hypo; I pushed out the small bubbles of air that had risen the top of the syringe. A sharp prick as I poked a needle through my skin into the vein. The warm junk stung the walls of my vein as it traveled to my heart. Once in my heart it was immediately distributed though out my body in a super orgasmic explosion. It felt like the front row seat of a roller coaster when it hit, like falling from the sky. No sooner had the warm neon rush hit and it was gone leaving contentment and pleasure behind. It was utterly perfect, even better than perfect it was bliss.
The needle dangling in my arm, I closed my eyes. I could feel my body float, black and white pictures strobe in my head, voices speaking nonsense held great conversations amongst themselves. Lines and images moved and rotated in perfect order. An hour had pasted before I woke from my junk oblivion. Andrew was lying in a puddle of spit. I grabbed his arm and laid him back against the tin wall. "Wake up dude, let’s get outta here." His eyelids fluttered and opened "I am gonna clean it up." I shook Andrew " Clean it later dude, I want to get out of here, it stinks and it's cold." We crawled out of the duct into the snow. "Let's go to Justin’s." I whispered. We caught the bus uptown to Justin’s apartment.
Justin lived in a small 1-bedroom apartment, adjacent to a huge cathedral. He cleaned the cathedral in trade for free rent. Justin had a small frame, pale skin, long blue-black hair and several piercing. Justin wore deep scares on his face. A group of skinheads had kicked the shit out of him; they thought he was queer. I told Justin not to wear lipstick or paint his nails even if it was black. I never ask him if he was queer, at times he acted rather feminine. It didn’t bother me, Justin always let me crash at his place and that's all that mattered.
Andrew pounded on Justin's door. Justin looked out of the icy window, his eyes red and half open. "Can we come in Justin?" Andrew pleaded. Justin slowly opened the door "it's late?" I shuddered "Dude, we are freezing our ass's off can we come in?" Justin opened the door completely and gestured for us to come in "you guys can crash on the floor." Justin grabbed some blankets from his closet "here you go, make a bed on the floor." Justin’s apartment was old and reeked of patchouli and cat piss. Several stray cats that took up with him some would stay outside but most lived in the small apartment.
I woke to the warm pungent smell of hash. Justin and Andrew where sitting Indian style on the floor smoking from a ceramic bong "wake and bake"; Justin passed me the bong and a lighter. I sat up and pressed the bong against my lips and lit the bowl. Thick spicy smoke penetrated my lungs. The warm smoke absorbed into my lung tissue. Yellow smoke seeped out of my nostrils and mouth. I lay back on the floor and rubbed my eyes. Andrew spoke in a tranquil voice "what is this shit? This is like some Jimi Hendrix shit man." Justin laughed and told Andrew his brother had brought it back from the Middle East. "Damn Justin this is some good shit." Justin blew smoke a crossed the room. Andrew passed me the bong and I took a massive hit and closed my eyes. Several minute passed until I could speak…
&Am; I here…. Or sitting a crossed the room…Are my eyes open or closed…I am fucked up…
&Andy;”, he looked at me with red eyes, "Am I here, or a crossed the room?" Andrew moved closer to me "yer trippin dude, just chill out." A liquid pool of motion and color passed before my eyes. Justin handed me a cold can of beer. It was only 9:00 a.m. and I was fucked up again.
--knock-knock--knock…BANG!!! BANG!!! Justin screeched, "Hold on, I'm coming, I’m coming!" A blast of cold air slapped my face. I sat up slowly I could see three figures covered with snow in the doorway. Two of the figures pushed past Justin, it was Drew and
Kat; I couldn't make out the third figure. Drew turned around "come in Kristie these guys don't bite." I put my beer down and climbed on to the couch. Justin looked very agitated "come in, shut the damn door!" Justin coughed then spoke. "Did you guy’s score, where is my shit?" Drew dropped several balls of foil on the coffee table. Drew and Kat sat on the floor and lit a smoke. Kristie eyeballed Justin’s apartment, ”Wow he keep the place immaculate”. Kristie relaxed then sat down.
I couldn't take my eyes off of Kristie. She didn't look like the typical street urchin. Her hands and fingernails where clean. She even smelled good …why the fuck are you with these chicks… Her sleek metallic purple hair rested on her delicate shoulders. Flakes of snow melted against her bone china skin. Magnificent green eyes shimmered behind long black lashes.
"Kristie these are my friends Justin, Andy and William." Kristie smiled and nodded. Justin gathered the foil balls and shoved them into his pockets. Drew grabbed the bong and began to smoke. Drew was petite with brilliant blue hair; her skin had a soft child-like glow. Drew always wore black; black shirts, black pants, black underwear, black everything.
Andrew spoke loudly trying to get everyone’s attention "show’em the shit you found last night Willy." I tried to ignore Andrew. Justin was no longer smiling, "Are you holding out William?" "It's nothing dude." I assured him. Drew slunk closer to me. "What do you have William?" She smiled and rubbed my thigh. Andrew grabbed the leather case from my jacket…asshole… I yanked the case from Andrew’s hand and shoved it back in my jacket. (Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have cared, but I didn't want Kristie to think I was a junky) “Oh come on Wily,” Drew’s hands climbed higher towards my crotch; reluctantly I pulled the leather case from my jacket and unzipped it reviling what was inside. Drew's eyes grew wide with delight. "Oh shit, where did you get that?" Andrew laughed "We found it on a dead junky downtown." Drew asked, "Do you have any H?" I pulled the baggy from my pocket. Justin gasped "did you really pulled that off a dead junky?" "Yes", I replied. Justin looked apprehensive, "have you tried it?" Andrew replied, "We slammed some last night." Drew stared at the baggy in my hand "I want a fix." Kat moved in closer "Is there enough for me Will?" Kat (Katrina) was a hardcore gothic chic from Seattle. She was very pretty; the street hadn’t changed her much. Kat reminded me of a baby-doll, her long dark hair, soft brown eyes and pale complexion
I looked Kat and Drew, "You don't want this shit." Drew laughed nervously, "Oh come on Willy, please," Drew begged. Andrew nudged me, "fix her up Will." I grabbed Drew's jacket "take your jacket off and roll up your sleeve." Drew quickly pulled her jacket off. Andrew tied the surgical tubing around Drew's bicep and told her to pump her fist. I sat down next to Drew and cleaned my rig, “have you done this before?” Drew shook her head, “no”. “I need to find a vein.” Everyone gathered around Drew as I tapped for a vein “Ah, there’s a good one.” A small green vein bulged from under her skin. I cooked Drew’s shot “this is going to sting a little then you will feel a burn in your arm. Are you ready?” she nodded. I poked the needle into her skin “ouch, shit!” I paused, and then pushed the plunger. I untied the tubing from her arm. Her eyelids drooped and closed, a small exhale as she collapsed. Andrew held Her limp body, as is slide down on to the thick orange carpet. Kat looked at Drew and giggled nervously, “She really wasted.” I smiled at Kat “She ok, are you sure you want a fix?” Kat paused “Ya, but don’t give me as much as Her.” I replied, “I have to clean this needle, you don’t want aids or some shit like that.” Andrew laughed ”Ya, who knows what Drew has.” Drew opened her eyes and mumbled “Kat ain’t gonna catch shit from me, you fucker. I don’t know about you dick-suckers though?” I gave Kat her fix. Justin was next. Andrew didn’t have to communicate verbally with me, his eye’s asked me for a shot, “Fix in the bathroom dude just in case you get sick. Andy bleach that fuckin spike when yer done with it!”
Kristie approached me “I want to try it Will” her hand caressing my face, "Will it's ok." I began to speak; she placed her fingers on my mouth. I pushed the bathroom door open, “Let me go see if Andy is done.” Andy’s head rested between the wall and the shower curtain. “I’m done Wily, good ole’ wily.” Andrew handed me the empty spike and slumped down next to the tub. I’ll get you fixed up this time, but don’t ever ask me again I said annoyed.
Kristie sat close to me as I gently tied the tubing around her arm and tapped. Delicate blue-green veins show through her porcelain skin. Small bubbles of junk boiled and popped in the black spoon. I tried to look into her eyes but her head was hung low. I drew the brown junk into the syringe. Her skin popped as the needle penetrated a delicate vein. Bright red blood filled the hypo and swirled around as I carefully pushed the plunger down. Kristie loosened the tubing and closed her eyes and exhaled, her warm body melted on to the kitchen floor. I pulled the hypo from her arm; crimson blood flowed from the punctured skin leaving small red drops on the linoleum floor. I cradled Kristie in my arms and carried her to Justin's sofa. Drew mumbled, "Is Kristie ok?" I held Drew's hand “She’s ok”. 10 minutes latter I was on the nod.
Several hours pasted and we were no longer high. Justin suggested we all take a walk to the cemetery. Kristie held my arm as the rest of the crew followed our lead. A wintry breeze blew through my long blonde hair as we stepped into the frozen surreal world of crystallized skeleton trees and snow-covered brownstones. We walked behind the Cathedral adjacent Justin’s apartment; it was enormous cold and covered with dead ivy. “Déjà vu,” I blurted “I am having Déjà vu” then a sudden shock. Through the blowing snow we could see an abandoned baby stroller motionless it’s wheels frozen to the sidewalk. The group pause then I walked toward the stroller and peered in “Oh shit!” I jumped back and fell on the frozen ground. Andrew cautiously approached the stroller and paused wrinkling his fore head “it’s a baby. It looks like it frozen.” Tears of distress streamed down Kat’s face. Justin spoke firmly “Leave it alone don’t touch it!” as he pushed towards the stroller. Justin looked into the stroller and slowly removed the blankets and lifted the infant from the bedding. My heart pounded as he hurled it towards me. I leaped back and stood to my feet quickly “it’s a doll you assholes, a fucking doll.” Justin kicked the stroller down the street. Adrenaline pumping through my veins my heart was pounding as we left the Cathedral. “Those skinhead pricks are always doing shit like this. “They like to scare the priests, Justin shook his head, bastards.”
We walked past several warm and cozy houses, watching the people inside. Normal people, eating dinner or just getting home from work. Kids playing in the snow having fun. Would I be a freak for the rest of my life? Someone you saw on the street and tried to avoid. I was always haunted by demons. These demons made me do things regular people didn’t do. Most normal don’t work all day trying to score dope so they can shoot it into shoot it into there veins. The average guys didn’t steal cough syrup to get high. I don’t like reality. I try to avoid it at all costs. It’s not easy being a full time dope fiend. As a matter of fact it’s hard work.
Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out a hand full of foil balls and dispense them to us. One by one we peeled back foil and devoured the contents. Kristie’s face was contorted “these shrooms taste like shit!” Drew replied, “Oh by the way the guy I got mushrooms from gave us a some acid too.” Andrew looked very irritated “you shot up, dropped acid and just ate mushrooms? I am not babysitting your ass honey! Why didn’t tell us? Justin snapped back “shut up dude your going to ruin our trip.” 30 minute pasted before the mushrooms kicked in.
“I am walking thru cold honey,” Kat giggled I could see the words pass before my eyes as they evacuated Kat’s mouth. The wind had died down and the bitter cold no longer hurt my bones. Shadows of headstones bleed black across the snow as we crossed the threshold of reality and entered the cemetery. Snow crunched under our feet. I could feel energy sucking me towards the center of the graveyard. Zombie snakes slither through lifeless Medusa trees. My perception twisted and turned, images of translucent animals ran past my feet. Drew was ducking and bobbing trying not to be hit by the zigzag bolts of electric gel that zoomed past her head. Kat “I am tripping” the words I am tripping bounce back and forth like a ping-pong ball through my head, changing tone and volume. Further and further into the dark we walked until we reached a marble bench covered with snow. Drew asked me to for another shot “ok Drew, hold on.”
We all took a fix. On nod in the cemetery the white horse trotted magically thru my veins causing me to itch and float. Flakes of snow accumulated on warm junk bodies as we lay in a circle desecrating the hollowed ground. “We need to get up or we will freeze here.” I spoke calmly. Thru a psychedelic junk haze I could see them rise like the living dead until we where all standing. We followed Justin through deep snow past half buried head stones.
Justin stopped walking “What it that?” He said curiously. A person slumped over in the snow. We walked towards the still form until we could a gray face --not another one--. Blue lips and frozen tears clung to her face. A syringe dangled from her doll like fingers. Drew looked at me, horrified “Didn’t you get the H we slammed from a dead junky?” I replied, “Yes.” Kat became frantic “We’re dead, we are fucking dead!” she shrieked, “We have been shootin santiflush or some shit!” I glared at Kat “We are not dead! You are just trippin?” Kristie smiled “Maybe we are dead?” Drew replied “we are dead it is all making sense now.” Her voice shook, “were dead and in the cemetery.” I grabbed a handful of snow and through it towards Drew’s face, “stop it asshole!” she screamed. I clinched Drew jacket tightly “look at my watch!” Angrily she pushed me away! “Look at my watch dammit, is the biggest hand moving?” Drew shoved me back “fuck you!” Tears ran down her face. I lowered my voice “You guys are on smack, mushrooms and acid your are having a bad trip. Are the hands on my watch moving? Do you guys know why?” The others stood silently as I spoke “because we aren’t fucking dead! There is no time when yer fucking dead” A cold whisper of reality blew past. Andrew spoke “Will is right, you guys need to calm down the fuck down.” Kat squealed, “Maybe we should call the cops.” I wrinkled my brow and spoke to Kat like she was a small child; “Oh ya Katrina that’s a brilliant idea, why don’t you just go and do that.” I raised my voice and mocked Kat “Go! Call the fucking pigs and tell them your frying on acid and you just slammed some shit, oh by the way, ah, oh there is like a dead girl here!”
Justin glared at me “Don’t be an asshole Will.” “What Justin, you want to call the cops now?” “No WILLIAM, you just beenin a dick!” I stopped and tried to get my head straight, “Look, I am sorry guys, I am trippin and we need to get out of here. This place is fucking with our heads!”
We walked quickly to Justin’s Apartment. No one spoke about the frozen girl it was something we needed to forget about. Shivering in Justin’s apartment we laid huddled around a candle. Thin lines of black smoke leaped from the flame and bounced off of the bottom of my junk spoon. Gray shadow’s flickered against the walls.
Justin’s apartment was freezing that morning; I could feel Kristie’s warm leg pressed tight against my behind. My body ached from the cold and my vision was blurry. Flashes in my head, images; a frozen face, delicate fingers -was it a dream--. My eyes opened completely, I could smell cigarettes and doughnuts. A hypodermic needle dangled from my arm, a sticky red line ran down to my palm forming a pool of crusty coagulated blood. Justin fluttered about the apartment humming and singing along with the stereo; he frowned and tossed a warm rag towards me. I pulled the syringe from arm -shit-
“I want a shot Will.” My voice was weak, the blood rushed to my head as I sat up slowly “Don’t you ever stop Justin? I pulled an empty baggy from my jacket. “Nothin, dude.” Justin gazed in disbelief ”Can you score some more?” “I’m broke, do you have any cash?” I replied, while I wiped the blood from my hand and arm. Kristie was awake and listing to us converse “I have money, can you get some more William?” she said innocently. “I usually don’t buy the shit, Andy does the buyin, where is He?” Justin motioned his head toward the small bedroom. Andy walked out from Justin’s bedroom, an old blanket around his waist. He shoved chocolate doughnut into his mouth, paused and smiled as he reached under the blanket, fiddled around for a moment then dangled a creamy-yellow condom over Justin’s trashcan. “Pig!” Justin screeched, Andy grinned, chocolate icing on his lips and in his teeth. “Dude, you rock”, I cranked the volume on Justin’s stereo. Andrew banged his head back and forth; chocolate spittle flew from his mouth. The blanket unraveled exposing him.
Andrew bounced and slammed against the walls apartment. Justin was not amused. He jerked the cord on the stereo, “must you act like HEATHEN in my apartment?” Kat peeked her head from Justin’s bedroom, smiled at Andrew and creped into the bathroom.
“Dude, put some clothes on yer makin me sick and hurry we need to score.” Andy wrapped the blanket back around his waist and walked into Justin’s bedroom, “he is a fuckin weirdo some times.” Kristie didn’t seem to mind, see just smiled. “Maybe Andy can score some shit at the park.” A few minutes later Andy walked into the front room, “I am ready if you guys are?” Kristie pulled the keys from her coat, “Let go guys.” The sky was clear and blue the sun was warm my eyes burned from the bright reflection of the snow, ice sickles melted and dripped onto the sidewalk. “You know where Pioneer Park is right?” Kristie nodded yes.
I hated trying to score at Pioneer Park, the place was treacherous, and people would fuck with you for no reason. Maybe you didn’t look right or you looked like a NARC. The trick was to find a way in to the closed society. Some Joe off the street couldn’t score shit and he might get his ass beat for asking. Drew, Andy and I piled into Kristie’s car. The bright red car smelled new. I wondered how she could afford it. Kristie drove erratically; as a matter of fact she scared the shit out of me - does this chick have a death wish? -I played it off cool and tried not to shit myself. We flew past the Mormon Temple, skidding and careening through the streets. Andy spoke up “Uh, hey Kristie can you slow down were almost here.” She smiled as she eye-balled Andy in the rear view mirror “Ok, ok pull over.” We were about a block away from the park. Kristie handed Andy a $100 “Willy, are you coming?” “Yea, Andy hold on. Hey Kristie, you might want to drive around, maybe get a cup a coffee. This isn’t the best place for two girls in a new car to park” Kristie looked offended, “I’m a big girl don’t worry about me.” She frowned. “OK whatever, just be careful.”
Trains whistled and squeak past the RIO Grande Train Station. The station was behind Pioneer Park. Sometimes Andy would get lucky and score in the train station but most of the time he would score from one of the usual’s in the park; Mark the fag, Eric the skinhead, Billy the gimp or Jose. We wandered around the park and couldn’t locate any dealers. This was not unusual, maybe the heat was closing in or someone just got busted. Defeated we walked back to Kristie’s car. The girls could tell by our looks we hadn’t scored.
Andy handed Kristie $100 back. She looked neither happy nor disappointed. “Where to now?” I looked at Andy “we could swing by George’s place.” “No!” Andrew barked, “No, fuck no! I am not going near that cocksuckers house.” Within five minutes Drew and I had Andrew talked in to paying George visit.
George Anderson aka - Furious George, George the fucking thief, George the liar, George the cocksuckers, Big Chief, Slim, George the one balled half-breed.
Andrew detested George. George was Andrew’s partner on a Mormon mission to Lithuania. Neither Andrew nor Gorge wanted to go on the mission. Andrew’s parents forced him to after he got busted for smoking a joint at school. George’s well-to-do foster parents forced him to go after he was caught masturbating in the boy’s underwear section of Nordstrom’s.
Stricken with boredom and melancholy in Lithuania George circumcised himself and caught a horrible infection. He ended up losing a testicle. George told his parents he caught a nasty strain of VD from Andrew. Andrew and George where sent home from the mission.
Kristie drove us to George’s house behind the State Capital in an affluent neighborhood. We stood on George’s porch the windows where vibrating Thwack! Fuck, fuck oh shit do it again. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Stop! Stop! What the fuck? I said do it again that means once not three times! We were perplexed “what hell is going on in there?” Drew paused for a moment and rang the doorbell “hold on!” A voice shouted from within the house. George poked his head out from behind the wooden door, and winced as he spoke in a deep voice, “What the fuck are you doing here Andrew? Drew, I told you not to bring these guys here.” Drew smiled at George “can’t we all be friends?” George opened the door wide, black leather suspenders held up George’s silver studded underwear, gigantic red-hot welts protruded from George’s brown arms and legs. George walked back into the house and Drew followed him in. Five minutes had past and Drew hadn’t emerged from the house. Andrew spoke in a nervous tone “I am going inside.” Just then Drew came out “I need money.” Kristie pushed passed us and handed Drew $200. Andrew shook his head “that cocksucker better not rip us off.” Drew went back in the house. 15 minutes later Drew stumbled out the door, followed by a tall lanky Asian boy wearing a pink bathrobe; frowning he helped Drew off the porch into Kristie’s car. Kristie drove away quickly. Andy asked, “Did you get it?” she pulled out a several glass vials of morphine and handed them to Kristie. Drew smiled and dropped her head.
On the nod again at Justin’s apartment, life was grand we had scored some pharmaceutical grade morphine. This went on for weeks. Kristie’s parents supported and ever growing habit, they where our lifeline and Kristie was our catalyst to a unending narcotic supply. Kristie’s parents where very wealthy and had no time for a daughter, so whatever Kristie wanted Kristie got.
Out of morphine, Drew and Kristie decided to go back to George’s to try to score. I waited in front of Justin’s apartment for them to return. Fuck the morphine I thought I just want to see Kristie’s face. What seemed like hours had past. Nothing, not a fucking thing. I stormed into Justin’s apartment, “where were they?” Justin was in a nervous frenzy cleaning his apartment while Kat and Andrew smoked hash. “I am going to kill that motherfucker!” I shouted with rage. Andrew looked at me puzzled “so there a little late, don’t stress dude.” I snapped, “I am going to fucking stress! George better not pull any funny shit!” Kat smiled “I think he likes Kristie.” Andrew replied “she it is big girl she can take care of herself.”
Justin stopped cleaning and stared past my shoulder through his window. I turned around quickly, Kristie’s hands where covered in blood. Drew was behind her, blood smeared across her face and shirt, both where shaking violently.
I ran to Kristie, “Are you ok? Kristie, are you ok?” I held Kristie “just tell me what happened!” I pleaded with her. Drew and Kristie both sat down shaking and crying. Drew gather her thoughts, “We were at Gorge’s in his kitchen,” she stopped and sobbed “he was fighting with,” she was sucking air into her lungs harder and quicker like an injured child. “He was fighting with some black guy about a skag deal, and they both started shooting and” she paused and Kristie spoke “George is fucking dead.” Andrew leaned in close “George is dead? Oh shit!” Justin was shaking his hands and stomping uncontrollably. Kristie stood up opened her jacket and two freezer bags of white powder fell on the ground. Kat slid from the couch and hovered over bags poking at them. Justin stopped panicking and held Drew as she sobbed “It’s ok, Drew it’s ok.” He didn’t notice the 2 Baggies of smack on the ground.
I stood in disbelief looking at Kristie and said nothing. Kat looked up at Kristie “where did you get this? Kristie was apprehensive, Kat spoke louder “where the fuck did you get this?” Kristie said nothing. Kat jumped to her feet and started shaking Kristie “whose is this? Tell me Kris!” Kristie looked afraid, distant “I took it from the black guy, I think he was dead.” Kat was screaming, “you don’t know if the black guy was dead! He better be dead or he will kill you!” Kristie grabbed Drew’s hand “I am going home.” Kat jumped up “me to!” I followed them like an abandoned puppy “Wait! Don’t go, hold on.” Andrew grasped my shirt “let them go dude.”
Two hours had passed; Andrew was pacing the floor while Justin feed his cats. I broke the silence “what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Cheer up it’s not like I have two freezer bags of smack sitting on the front room floor!” Maybe it was some high-grade Chinese shit? --Two dead junkies, now this--. The atmosphere in Justin apartment became very uncomfortable like junior high dance, 2 bags of smack and 3 guys. I stood up and grabbed one of the Baggies, Justin shouted, “hey that shit is ours too!” I replied sarcastically “ I know Justin I just want to hold it.” Andrew was paranoid “We need to hide this shit or get out of town.” Andrew voice was shaky “what about those bitches? They’re going to crack! They can’t keep this shit secret, we need to get the fuck outta here!” I tried to calm Andrew’s nerves “If it makes you feel better we can leave, maybe go downtown. Justin can you call a taxi?” Andrew looked uneasy “I got a bad felling about this Willy.” I gave him a pat on the shoulder “your just paranoid, were gonna be ok.”
The air outside was crisp, not a cloud in the sky. We sat on the cold steps of the cathedral waiting for the taxi. People passed by with equally cold looks. Andrew nudged me hard with his elbow “what?” I said. A white Cadillac slowed down and parked in front of Justin’s apartment. Drew and Kristie where in the back seat, a fat black man sat between them. I stood up; Andrew seized my arm and pulled me down. The two men in the front seat exited the car and walked towards Justin’s apartment and pounded on the door.
Bang…bang…bang…. A loud crack, glass shattered. Several people peered over the steps and looked down at Justin’s apartment. We ducked our heads, stood up slowly and rushed towards the church doors pushing past parishioners. I chased Andrew as he scurried towards the front of the church and sat on a wooden pew. The choir sang as the church organ played loudly. The blood was rushing to my head and sweat poured down my face. A small child looked at me and smiled. I sat stoic, my eyes focused on the woman’s head in front of me.
What seemed like days passed before I looked around? I could see the two black men in trench coats walking towards the front of the church. “William we have to get outta of here!” A look of terror I had never seen before was resident in Andrew’s eyes. We slid down from the pews and crawled on our hands and knees towards the north exit. My foot snagged a brass sconce setting in motion a domino effect of candles and sconces. The choir stopped singing; I could here a great commotion. I followed Andrew down the dark corridor to the exit and quickly opened the doors. In front of us a parking lot covered in ice and to my right the front of the church. We paused and ran to the right straight towards the front of the cathedral. The fat man was standing outside of the snow-covered car with his back to me. I charged straight towards him, my arms and hands forward; the poor fat bastard didn’t know what hit him. His keys flew into the air and landed in a pile of snow. Andrew went headfirst into the snow, like a rabid dog digging for a piece of rotten meat. Ear-piercing screams erupted from the back of the Cadillac. The two men in trench coat flew down the steps towards us! Andrew had found the keys and leaped into the car.
Moonlight glistened from silver gun that lay next to the unconscious fat man. I lunged forward grabbing the gun and pointed towards the gangsters. Both men slide and stopped “Be cool muthafucka, just be cool.” My arm was locked; I wasn’t moving “You tell that muthafucka to get the fuck out tha car!” They pulled shiny black guns from their coat’s “I said tell that muthafucka to get his ass the fuck out my car, or I am gonna pop a cap in this white ass!” Vroom! Andrew started the engine. Something grabbed my leg and pulled me to the ground, knocking the wind out of me …Pop…pop…pop…pop…. bullets hit the car! Andrew slammed on the gas. The car didn’t move, the tires spun faster and faster. I looked down at my leg, the angry fat man was climbing towards me screaming “I am gonna kill your ass, little bitch!” I pointed the gun towards my feet and squeezed the trigger without aiming …boom-click…boom-click…boom-click…boom- thud…the hand that grasped my leg was no longer tight. Pop…pop…pop! Snow and ice flew into the air as bullets whizzed past my face! I could see Justin limping out of his apartment holding a baseball bat, blood poured from his nose and mouth. I pointed the gun at the gangster and squeezed the trigger …boom-click…boom- click…crack! Justin bashed one of the gangsters in the back of the head. The other gangster turn around quickly …crack… Justin smashed his face with the bat. Andrew jumped out of the car and started to push it. I ran towards Justin, he was still bashing the gangsters with his bat “let’s get the fuck outta here dude, come on!” Justin stopped pulverizing the gangsters and limped towards the car. I looked back at the cathedral to see a crowd of people gathered on the church steps, some of them poking their heads out from behind the gigantic wooden doors. Andrew pushed the car forward freeing it from the frozen snow. Justin dove in the car, I followed. Broken glass and blood lined the interior of the car. A bullet had grazed Drew's neck. “Go, go, go, get out of here!” The car careened out of control down the icy street. Andrew sped faster and faster until we where downtown. “We need to ditch this car!” Justin screamed and grabbed the steering wheel. Andrew quickly pushed him away. Drew was yelling “pull over, pull over!”
“Not yet!” I yelled “Don’t pull over, not yet! We gotta find a good place to ditch this car, just keep on driving Andrew!”
Drew was holding her neck as blood poured from her wound. Kristie shouted, “Drew is hurt! We need to help her!” Kristie was screaming frantically “where are we going? Drew needs help!” I screamed back to her “Shut up!” Justin was crying “Why did you bring those assholes to my apartment?” Justin inveighed. Kristie replied, “They said they would kill us, what the fuck was I supposed to do? I thought you would give them their shit back and everything would be cool!” Justin laughed sarcastically “well Kristie it's not cool! It is far from fucking cool!” Drew pushed Justin “you should have gave them their smack and we wouldn’t be in this fucked up mess!” I yelled back “Shut up! Just shut the fuck up all of you, we are alive and that is all that matters. Drew do you really think I could have handed them their shit back? Shit drew, Look what those bastards did to Justin! So just chill the fuck out!”
We drove past houses and cars, past streetlights and homeless people. “We are a about mile away from the Desert Vista, we can stay there. Pull over Andrew.”
A fuzzy orange neon sign glowed warm against the brown bricks of the Desert Vista. I opened the door and followed Kristie into the lobby. Sticky black holes wore into faded red carpet, cigarette butts and crumbled paper in the corner. “I need a room with 2 beds.” The look in my eyes was a familiar sight for the older man. “$12 for an hour, $35 for the night or $150 for a week, checkout time is 12 o’clock.” Kristie dug deep into her handbag, hands trembling and dropped 3 fifties on the counter. “I need a drivers license and autograph.” She dug deeper and located her ID. “Room 329” he placed the key on the desk.
Room 329 was dank and smelled like cellar, piss and vomit stains on the carpet. Yellow nicotine bled from the cracks in the walls. We took a fix. This was some quality H, like nothing I had slammed before, no rush could compare to this. When it hit I felt like I had stepped onto an elevator that was traveling a thousand MPH into outer space. Purple orgasm bubbles of pleasure popped in my brain as my eyelids fluttered. The warm hum of the TV in my ears droned out any anxiety. Thick vibrant colors, alabaster, blue and green vibrated. Vertical lines danced in my head mutating into faces, animal and shapes. Every breath I inhaled into my lung released electric pleasure. Nothing mattered now, not gangsters, Justin’s apartment or gun in my pants.
“It’s gone!” I slowly opened my eyes; everything was blurry “Fucking cunts!” I shook my head. “What are you talking about dude?” I was still trying to wake up. Andrew was frantic looking under the beds. “What is wrong with you?” My voice was groggy, “Those bitches took the shit!” Justin sat up quickly and rubbed his eyes. I was perplexed “What do you mean they took the shit?” Andrew’s brow was crinkled and his lips where press tight, “Ya, your fucking girlfriends ran off with the smack!” I became defensive and stood up quickly “They’re not my fuckin girlfriends, ANDREW!” I push him into the TV. Andrew caught his balance and slugged me hard in the face. White and gold dots floated around the room, I shook my head. Justin tackled Andrew “Get off of me you faggot!” Justin punched Andrew three times in the mouth, “I am not a faggot you fucking douche bag!”
I pushed Justin off of Andrew “Stop this! STOP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs! Andrew stood up and pushed his way outside. “Stoopid fuckhead!” Justin kicked the door! “Just let him go he will he needs to chill the fuck out.” I rubbed my cheek
“I can’t believe he hit me, I bet he feels like an asshole.” They were gone. Kristie, Drew and our shit was gone --bitches--. Why would they do that? They left us with nothing, no money, no H not a damn thing!
We needed to score and score soon. I looked at Justin in desperation, “do you have any money?” He shoved his hands into his pockets pulling out two twenties “I got $40.” Justin spoke quickly. “What about the gun? You can hock the gun.” I thought hard “Oh the gun!” I hadn’t noticed my fly was opened. “They stole the gun too, shit!” Realty’s cold hand clenched my throat. “I shot that guy, I wonder if he is dead? They’re going to be looking for us Justin.” Justin frowned and sighed, “I can’t go back to my apartment Will.” A soft knock on the door, Justin peeked though the peep hole “It’s Andrew.” Justin opened the door. Andrew walked in with his head hung low and lay on the bed, he spoke softly, “I’m sorry I acted like an asshole guys. Justin, I’m sorry for calling you that, I was pissed off” Justin replied, “Don’t worry dude, shit happens.” I interrupted the conversation “Andrew do you have any money?” Andrew probed his pockets and opened his wallet, “I got 20 bucks.” A glimmer of hope lit the dark room, “Cool, that will be enough!” Andrew followed me down the stairs out of the lobby. The sun was out and the snow began to melt. Andrew whispered, “The heat will be looking for us.” By nature Andrew was paranoid, the type of person who was always looking over his shoulder. I guess it wasn’t a bad thing; it actually saved us on several occasions. I should have listened to him more often.
A malaise felling settled in my muscles, my eyes watered uncontrollably. Andrews crusty snot covered hands where shaking, “how far is the park Will?” I wiped my eyes, “not far dude.” Vagrants, bawd junkies and dealers huddled close to trees in Pioneer Park. My mind was full of angst and desperation. “Andrew, we have to score.” Andrew squinted his eyes and scanned the park “Jose’ over there, I bet he’s holding.” Cautiously we approached the Mexican teenager, Andrew spoke softly not looking him in the eyes “You holdin Ese'?” The boy nodded. Andrew whispered, “Chiva?” The boy motioned for us to follow him. We walked into a narrow ally. A large Mexican with a cane lit a smoke and watched us closely. Andrew whispered to the boy “I need a two $20 bags homes.” The boy lifted his pant leg and reached into his sock and pulled out four balloons. The large Mexican walked towards us and held his hand out, I handed him a 2 twenties. He nodded and the boy gave us the balloons. The boy smiled and spoke, “good chit meester.” Andrew smiled as we left the alley.
My stomach wrenched and twisted as cold sweat drenched my clothes. We made our way towards the homeless shelter and found several old rusted hypos. “This will have to do Andy.” We walked back to the Desert Vista. Justin was curled in a ball on the floor “Did you score?” I replied “Yes, Justin.” He smiled and spoke “I got a couple of things from the store.” Rubbing alcohol, cigarettes and cotton balls on the small table, I patted Justin on the back “good job. Let me clean these rigs then we can fix.”
I was the first to cook and fix. I felt like I had been on a long journey through the desert, my junk parched cells crying and begging for relief. This wasn’t as good as shit I was used to shooting and nowhere near the quality of the morphine we were scoring from George. This dirty brown shit would have to do. The world was no longer spinning out of control; I could think straight, get my head together.
Andrew’s eyes where glazed as I spoke in a soft tone “Look guys I don’t want to spoil your high, but we gotta figure out what the fuck to do here. I mean this is some crazy fucked up shit.” Andrew shook his head “I don’t know what do William? What if those chicks rat us out? Man we need to get out of town.” “I don’t think it’s going to be that easy dude. We don’t have a car or money.” Andy wrinkled his forehead and pondered, “I need to hit up a couple of old girlfriends for some cash.” I shook my head “You have tapped them out, they ain’t gonna give you shit.” Andrew picked up the phone and started dialing. After about seven call rejections Andy had hooked one. “Hey, Bonnie how’s it going? Andrew, you remember, ya, ya behind the club.” Andy covered the receiver with his hand and whisper “I got one.” The conversation finally stopped, “Dude we are set. Bonnie wants to come over.“ I couldn’t remember any Bonnie? It must have been one of the chicks Andy banged when we used to play clubs. Justin didn’t say anything as he lay on the bed and smoked.
Tap…tap…tap… Andrew jumped up from the bed, ran his fingers through his long black hair. Andy paused and peered through the peep-hole …knock…knock… “Hold on.” “Who is it? Is it Bonnie?” Andy looked in disbelief and peered back through the peephole. “Dude open the door.” Andy hesitated, and then opened the door “ANDY! Oh, I am so glad to see you!” Bonnie grabbed Andy, hugging him and planting kisses on his face and neck. Andy look repulsed by Bonnie; she must have looked better though drunken eyes. “Ok, ok, I’m glad to see you too.” Andy pushed away from Bonnie.
Justin held a pillow close to his face trying to conceal his laughter. Andy put his arm around bonnie. “Look Bonnie we are in a mess a shit here and I need to borrow some money so my friend Justin can get a buss ticket out of town.” Bonnie lit a smoke and sat on the bed
“What kinda trouble Andy?” Andy sat down next to her and brushed back her bleached blonde hair “Nothing you should worry about.” Andy kissed Bonne’s neck, “Justin, what da ya say we leave these guys alone for a while so they can catch up on old times.” We walked outside. The snow was falling and it was dark. “Dude the sunshine in my veins is running out let’s go get some Robitussin.” Justin winced, “You still drink that shit Wily? Man that stuff is nasty.” “You got a better idea bitch?” “Fuck off.” Justin tucked his head in his coat as we walked to the corner drugstore. “I don’t have any money so yer going to have to knife the shit.” “Bulllshit, I ain’t stealing no cough syrup for you.” I began to pout “Oh come on dude just this once, you won’t get caught.” Justin didn’t get caught. Justin could walk into any store and come out will a shit-load of stuff and the bastard never got busted either.
“So what did you get?” Justin pulled out six boxes of cough syrup from his coat. He had also grabbed 3 packs of smoke and some candy bars; Butterfingers and Twix. I wasn’t worried about Justin he could make it anywhere.
“What are you going to do Justin? Are you going to stay with your Bother?” Justin looked at the ground as he kicked the snow “Ya, my bother will let me stay with him.” “I hate to see you go, I’m sorry for all the shit I brought your way.” Justin stopped and lit a smoke and picked up a handful of soft snow. “Don’t worry bout me man, this is my ticket outta Salt Lake.” “I guess yer right Justin. I still can’t believe Kristie and Drew shafted us.” Snowflakes blew past the warm yellow streetlights and rested on the pink ground. “Pass me one of the bottles of tussin.” Justin ripped open the box and handed me a bottle. I cracked the plastic seal on the generic cough formula “This is going to taste like shit.” I chugged the bottle back and grimaced “Fuck, that tastes like shite from my arsehole! ooohhh yak!” Justin follows my example and choked down bottle after bottle. “Dude your going to be fucked up!”
We shivered in the cold night air as snow piled on our jackets. “Hey, there’s a familiar face.” From across the street. I could see Jose’ “He Jose’” Jose’ squinted his eyes, looked back and began to run towards us “Willy, was sup my brother.” “Not much man, just looking to score.” His white teeth shown through his dirty brown grin “I can hook you up.” “Look, Jose’ I gots no cash my man.” Jose’s smiled “No problem Willy, where are you staying?” “We are at the Desert Vista.” Jose closed his lips tight, “Who is your friend?” “Oh, this is Justin, Justin meet Jose’” Justin held out his pale hand. Jose’ grabbed his hand and pulled Justin in close “Hey man you better not be a pig or I’ll fuckin stick ya.” Justin pulled away quickly and looked bewilder. “I ain’t no fuckin pig.” I stood between the two of them “Look man it’s ok.” I assured Jose’. “Lets just go back to the room. C’mon Jose you can stay there, maybe eat take a shower.” We walked though the snow back to the hotel.
I knocked on the door. There was no answer. I put the key in the lock and we enter the hotel room. Andy was asleep next to Bonnie, a smoldering cigarette butt burned through the old gray carpet. “Wake up,” I moved close towards Andy, shaking him.” Look who's here.” Andy eyes opened wide, “Jose, what the fuck brotha, what have you been up to?” Jose sat on the bed next to Andy, “Trying not to freeze my ass off, the fucking shelter kicked me out again.” “You got any chiva for me bro?” “Ya man I will fix you up good.”
Justin stood in the corner like a wooden Indian, pale and stoic. “What up with him Willy?” Andy grinned. “Is he on the wig already?” “No, but he drank about 4 bottles of cough syrup.” Andy giggled, “He is on 16oz.? He is your project for the night dude.” Justin slid down the wall and curled up into a ball on the ground. Jose pulled out a dropper with a hypodermic needle attached to the end. He had a small stash maybe week’s worth. Jose was always generous when cooking up the shoots. I suggested that we clean the dropper between shots; some junkies don't give a shit whether or not they use a clean rig. I was a real stickler. One thing I had learned was not to use dirty needles, oh and never use a cigarette butt as a soaker in you spoon. The small fibers from the butt get in you blood stream and you cotton-sick. Cotton-sick; is like the flu but only worse. Jose handed me the arcane rig; it was held together with tape. I cleaned it out good with rubbing alcohol. “Man the fucking sink doesn't work, ah shit neither does the shower. I need some water to mix this shit with.” Andy grabbed the spoon and rig from my hand “Toilet water with work.” I gave Andy a disgusted look, “Bullshit I am not using toilet water Andy, open the fucking window and get some snow for hell sakes. Andy tried to open the window “The muthafuckers locked.” I sighed “Ok, ok at least use the water from the back of the toilet, it ain't blue or some shit is it?” Andy lifted the lid from the back of the toilet, “no dude it Iooks clean to me.” Jose shook his head “I guess that with have to do.” Andy dipped his spoon in the toilet water. . “Fuck it, I’ll go first.” Andy pushed past me, holding the spoon tightly. Jose pinched a small amount of the junk and placed it into the spoon. Brown junk bubbles boiled in the rusty spoon. I open the plastic bag of cotton and handed one to Andy. He dropped it into the spoon. Jose sucked up the warm brown shit into his dropper. Andy ripped his belt off and tried his arm off. Veins bulged out green and blue; his arm looked like it had been beaten with a lead pipe. Huge brown and purple bruises clustered up and down his arm. Jose poked through the skin and squeezed the dropper slowly. “Fuck that hurts!” Andy closed his eyes. Bonnie sat up quickly in the bed, covering her exposed breasts with a t-shirt “What are you guy’s doing?” No one answer Bonnie’s query. “Andy what are you doing?” Andy pushed Bonnie back, “nothin, don’t worry it’s nothing.” Bonnie had a look of concern on her face, “Andy don’t yer gonna hurt yourself.” Andy lay back in the bed and exhaled. “That is some good shit Jose’.” Jose rolled up his sleeve and tied his arm off. Like a skilled artisan of junk Jose cooked, tried off and took a shot. Bonnie was horrified “This is bad. Don’t you know guys know this shit is bad for you.” Andy already swindled Bonnie out of $250, at this point Bonnie was useless to him or to us. In classic rock’n’roll fashion Andy stood up and escorted Bonnie to the door. Bonnie went out the door kicking and screaming.
“Justin Andy has the money for your ticket, you’re set”, Justin didn’t respond. All he could do was lay in a fetal position on the floor occasionally kicking or gasping for air. As soon as he sobers up we need to get him on the train.
Note: There is a difference between wanting a shot and needing a shot, it is the absence of desperation. You can want a fix but to actually need a fix in a completely different animal.
DXM AND BRAIN FILTERS (PART I OF II)
HOW DO FILTERS AFFECT OUR PERCEPTION OF OUR SURROUNDINGS?
A DXM Zine Exclusive
The Author Would Like to extend a thanks to a Walkaway and Rudine
BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT
Perception is not automatic. Stimulus is constantly bombarding your brain and the brain must filter out information that it deems useless or incorrect. These filters are not present in newborns but are instead taught or learned. When the child starts to become aware of its surroundings it develop filters based upon things that were stressed to it. There is no way a human can function if it is constantly being bombarded by all the stimulus barraging it at once and this is the reason we develop them.
I believe DXM brings down the walls of the filters and stimulus floods the individual‘s brain. These filters may also be responsible for affecting the way you think certain about topics. An example would be that some people are terrified of snakes but once on DXM they question this fear. From a young age, they are taught to fear snakes by their parents. In a sense, I believe DXM could be used as a psychotherapy tool to help people understand themselves better. My hypothesis is that people will respond differently to stimuli if their filters are not present. The answers to the stimuli will be based more upon primal needs and desires because the filters we develop from society will not be present.
Unspecified Amount of Dextromethorphan
One Human Being
1.) While sober answer each topic (15 topics) with 1-3 sentences.
2.) While sober associate each word(30 words) with the first word that comes into mind
3.) Next day take DXM (so that lingering thoughts won’t affect DXM influenced answers)
4.) Answer these each topic once again while under influence of DXM with 1-3 sentences.
5.) Associate each of the 30 words while under the influence of DXM.
After this experiment, I plan on collecting all the data and forming a conclusion. I will report exactly what happened and why I believe that it did happened. The topics and words chosen for the experiment will provide enough information for a well developed conclusion. The results of the experiment could possible be used later in another experiment which I am currently planning.
Have you ever noticed how a newborn baby glares starry eyed and examines nearly everything? When you were born, your brain cells started making millions of connections, known as synapses, this was the beginning of you. As soon as you were delivered from your mother’s womb, you started exploring your environment. This was your first time seeing the world and experiencing life as a semi human being. The reason I say “semi” is because you could not survive in the real world during this period of your life. You are almost there but are lacking one major ingredient....filters.
An example of a filter would be a Japanese infant, language filters start to effect infants as early as 10 or 12 months of age, the Japanese babies become more like the adults and more culturally distinct. They become culture-bound language listeners and they now have lost the ability to distinguish R from L. This occurrence also tends to happen with English, Spanish, and other languages around the world. All babies are born with the ability to differentiate all the speech sounds and then they lose some of that ability as they learn their own specific language and their filters generate. Filters are extremely vital because they shape your conceptions and personal views of the world which is what makes you an individual. Parents and society instill filters into children so that they can function properly in the physical realm. This infusion of filters is also known as being raised. These filters contribute to "alternate realities" that regulate intellectual understanding and exploration. When unchained from these limitations, you are able to examine their world from multiple perspectives and come face to face with ambiguities that surround you. In simpler terms, do we really create our own reality or do our parents and our environment create one for us?
Would you like to explore your world from multiple perspectives? Want to know what makes you tick? Feel like taking a delve into your mind and discovery new aspects of yourself? If this sounds like something you want to try......too bad. Our government won’t allow it. Why? Because this practice usually involves taking drugs and we aren’t capable of making our own decisions about our health. Don’t get me wrong though, there are only ways of turning down your filters such as meditation but this article isn’t about that. After my personal attempts at meditation and failing profusely, I decided I will “alter”, not turn down, my filters with Dextromethorphan. I don’t need to enlighten you about this substance if you are reading this zine, but if you are unaware of this substance, then I advise you to visit Dextroverse.org or Erowid.org.
Now without further ado..my results. First off, I am not going to post the extensive results but instead give you a general overview and my thoughts on this subject. If you wish to view my results, send me a message via the Dextroverse Forums or catch me on Dextroverse IRC. I would also like to add that, when I did took my variable (DXM) part of the test, (1 week after taking it sober) I was on 900mg which is a high 3rd Plateau for me. After waiting a couple of days, I started analyzing the data religiously and something came to my attention that I couldn’t believe I missed. While comparing the two variables(sober/DXM), I realized that most of my word associations, while altered, seemed to lack emotion. An example of this would be the word “death”. While sober, my answer was “sadness“, which is a feeling that most people feel after the death of someone important to them. My response, with altered filters, was “black“. I believe there are several ways to dissect this observation for deep contemplation. My initial belief was that DXM numbs the part of the brain that controls emotions, which took a diminutive amount of brain power on my part. After some more assessment though, I believe its a combination of numbing of the emotions and a filter that was altered. Fearing death and being distraught over death is instilled in us. Not all cultures mourn death but some instead choose to celebrate it. There was one word that caught me off guard and got my side-tracked for a while during the experiment. The word was “promotion” and while sober the word “success” came to mind. While I was dexing though, I froze and couldn’t think what that word meant. I vaguely remember this word seeming empty and believed it meant the same as YHFJD, which means absolutely nothing. The following day I decided to peek at my test and reminiscence over the previous night. I was shocked to discover that I didn’t finish everything on the test and the one missing association was for the word “promotion”. I can speculate and unearth a couple of realistic assumptions for this occurrence. First of all, I could have merely been too inebriated and really couldn’t figure out what it meant, so I skipped it. Another possibility would that maybe promotions and filters are related. Before you start ridiculing me, hear me out first. Many people say that striving for promotions and getting ahead of other people in life is human nature. I find this difficult to swallow since I don’t think its possible to actually observe “true” human nature. However, I do believe its possible to observe humans behave in accordance with their filters. This is the behavior that people deem as human nature when in fact is humans conducting themselves in accordance with their cultural and personal filters.
Have you noticed when your dexing that you feel happy doing damn near anything? The simplest object will captivate your attention for an extended period of time while outrageous thoughts are zooming every which direction within your head. I learned from one of my Professor’s of Psychology that since babies/infants don’t have filters, their brain is being barraged by stimuli. Without fully developed filters that are forced by society, some young children have imaginary friends, vivid imagination, and probably other unique and hidden qualities. Since children rely on their parents for nurture when there parents tell them that they don’t have a imaginary friend or to quit acting in a certain manner, they listen and slowly the filter kicks in. The child is forced to filter out some stimuli in order to function correctly. Well since the child’s parents don’t condone their behavior, they filter out the vivid imagination, imaginary friends, and there's no telling what else we were forced to filter out as a kid. Imagine how much different life would be, if we forced to filter out technology instead of fantasy. I, for one, can vouch that our world would be a exotic planet with nearly no limits.
So, remember kids what you learned today. DXM does not cause brain damage but it does affect your filters as well as dissociate you. Be careful doing drugs... you may not look at things the same way again! Now excuse me, gotta go alter my filters and do some research.
I am a second year psychology student although this does not give me enough credit for my knowledge. I am constantly studying cognitive psychology and how people’s perception differs based upon different variables during my free time. Dextromethorphan is the substance that I believed kindled the fire for my drive to understand perception and other cognitive processes. After my first experience with this substance, I was obsessed with learning about the human brain and it’s functions. I have been planning many experiments to determine how DXM affects cognitive processes especially how the brain recalls and responds to certain stimuli.
TRIP REPORT : DXM AND TEAR GAS
A TRIP REPORT OF DXM USE AT THE 1988 SOUTH KOREA OLYMPIC GAMES
During the 88 Olympics, I was stationed in Camp Casey, Korea. Which is just north of Seoul. There was quite a bit of unrest during that period of time, and demonstrations were common, occasionally things would get a bit violent. Such was the case one particular night while I was wiggin out on DXM. I had taken about 80 15mg pills of Romilar (the pure pill form of DXM which is still available in South Korea) and needless to say, my mind was disassociated from my body.
A few of us were zoning out in a small club called the "Pink Lips", which was about the size of a large closet. It was a great place to hang out because it was dark, there was lots of neon to trip on and they played a lot of psychedelic music. The best thing about this club was a large mural of Alice in Wonderland on the wall. There were lots of mushrooms, the Cheshire Cat was smoking a bowl of weed and there was this biker dude coming down the road on a Harley.
I was sitting at a table facing it and tripping hard. Two of my friends had their backs to the wall and they were literally IN Alice in Wonderland. TRIPPY! I knew I was sitting in the bar, but it looked like I was looking out a huge picture window and seeing into Wonderland! The giant mushrooms were swaying back and forth in the wind and the Cheshire Cat tipped his pipe toward me and smiled as if to say, "Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up too!" I could actually hear and smell the motorcycle with the biker dude on it and I remember wondering how long it was going to take for him to get to where I was. I could see him moving, but it he never did seem to make it to the bar.
Just about then an MP came bursting through the door and the music shut off. He shouted, "All U.S. Forces personnel are to return to Camp Casey immediately!" Then he took off. We were pretty wrecked at the time and didn't feel like going back so we decided to stay a while, besides, who was going to find us in this little shitty club in a back alley? Anyway, about an hour later, we decided it was time to move on and walked out the door. OH SHIT!
At either end of the alley were hundreds of South Korean students demonstrating against the Americans stationed there. They were all chanting, "Yankee go home, Yankee go home!" I seriously thought I was in for one hell of an ass kicking, but I was too fucked up to care, and so were my compadres. We took off toward the end with the least amount of demonstrators and crossed our fingers that we wouldn't get killed. Believe it or not, we walked straight through the middle of them without even a scratch. OH SHIT AGAIN!
The South Korean police had the demonstrators surrounded and were starting to beat some of them with nightsticks before we were clear of them. Then, if that wasn't bad enough, they threw CS grenades (tear gas) at them to disperse the crowd. We caught a nice big whiff of the shit and started choking hard. I will be the first to tell you that DXM as a cough suppressant is FIRST RATE! Although we were coughing our lungs out, we were feeling no pain! Although I wouldn't recommend tear gas and DXM to my friends, I do have to say that it was a rather interesting experience.
Obviously, I made it out and am still alive to tell the story.
DXM TRIP'S METHOD OF EXTRACTION FOR CORICIDIN COUGH AND COLD (CCC)
A HIGHER YIELD EXTRACTION OF DXM OUT OF CORICIDIN
by DXM Trip [Website : DXM Trip]
[Editor's Note : The DXM Zine does not condone the use of Coricidin (or DXM) for recreational purposes. Any actions you take, including preforming this extraction, is done at your own risk.]
Just to clarify some things. This is different from the other Coricidin Extraction method floating around the net. This one is superior to the other because you loose less DXM. One problem with the extraction though is that Povidone (an inactive ingredient in Coricidin) could get carried over into the final product therefore preventing crystallization of the DXM HCl. Another problem is I don't know the solubility of Chlorpheniramine HCL (CPM), only the maelate and freebase versions. This could possibly throw the amount of water needed, but the solubility differences shouldn't differ that much. Make sure to follow the directions to the T to ensure full extraction of the Chlorpheniramine. Plus remember, do this at your own risk.
1 Pepper Grinder
Some pH paper
Some Hydrochloric Acid (HCl)
1 One Ounce Container
1 One Liter Bottle
Small Pyrex Pan
3% Ammonium Hydroxide (NH4OH)
2 Boxes of Coricidin Cough and Cold
1. Crush the Coricidin (CCC) using a pepper grinder. Make sure the pills are all ground to a fine powder. This is to ensure a higher efficiency extraction.
2. Now add eight ounces (8oz) of boiling distilled water to the powder.
3. Shake vigorously for a period of five minutes. Then move it to a refrigerator until it becomes room temperature again (about fifteen to thirty minutes). Shake it again for a minute to help further dissolve the ground pill powder.
4. Now add eight (8) ounces 3% aqueous Ammonia (NH4OH) to the DXM/CPM/water solution and shake vigorously for five minutes.
5. Add two ounces (2oz) of VM&P Naptha to the Ammonia (NH4OH) and shake for a period of five minutes (5mins). Let it stand for a few minutes and shake again for a minute and let it stand for twenty minutes (20mins) or until fully separated.
6. Pour it into your seperatory funnel and drain away the ammonia layer which is on the bottom and keep the naptha that's on the top. It now contains your DXM and CPM freebase.
7. Make a solution of 80-100 mL's HCl that has a pH of 4 and add it to your non-polar solvent layer and shake vigorously for five minutes and let separate.
8. Now take your seperatory funnel again and drain you acid solution into the pyrex pan and discard the non-polar solvent.
9. Evaporate this down to a small amount (a half ounce or less) on the stove then take it off and finish with a hair dryer or a fan overnight. You will now have a very pure form of DXM HCl and CPM HCl with a little Povidone.
10. Now its time to get rid of that nasty CPM. Scrape up the powder into a very small container like a camera film canister or a washed out model paint container and put it all in there. Add 5mL of distilled water and shake it vigorously (the more the safer for you) for about five minutes (5mins) then let it settle for several hours.
11. Once it has sat for the allotted time shake it again for a minute and set it down.
12. Now tightly roll up a small piece of cotton (make sure to saturate it with distilled water first!). Get your oral syringe (the kind without the needle) and firmly press it against the cotton and pull the plunger up slowly until you have recovered all the water you can. Discard this water as it contains the CPM and put the DXM HCl powder into some capsules and enjoy!
UPDATED LIST OF DXM WEBSITES
RESOURCES, WEBSITES, AND FORUMS FOR DXM DISCUSSION AND MORE
by peoplesmind [zine @ dextroverse . org]
[Note : If you know of a DXM Website/Internet Resource which this list does not include, please feel free to
contacts the zine for it to be added to the next issue. All ratings were done objectively via survey on information
provided on these websites by ten people who submitted articles/art/information to the zine, or otherwise
contacted the zine. All summaries were written before ratings were returned. The list is in order by rating and within the ratings it is alphabetical.]
Erowid DXM Vault [Rated : 5/5 ]
Erowid.org "documents the complex relationship between humans and psychoactives." Their DXM Vault includes information on health, effects, dose, FAQ, images, law, and chemistry; with other minor sections and links to other websites.
The Dextroverse [Rated : 4/5 ]
The Dextroverse is a DXM Community. Sections on the site include what is DXM?, warnings, FAQ, sources, extractions, trip reports, medical literature, spirituality, downloads, movies, chat rooms, and an interactive forum with hundreds of posts a day. The front page has the latest DXM news and comments posted by users.
The Third Plateau [Rated : 4/5 ]
The Third Plateau is one of the older DXM websites still available on the internet. Sections on this site include information on DXM Dangers, FAQ, a parenting section, community and arts, the latest news about DXM, a knowledge base, and an interactive forum.
The DXM Harm Reduction Project Information Website [Rated : 4/5 ]
Robert F. Golaszewski 's DXM Harm Reduction Project Information Website includes harm reduction information about DXM use. It includes a Beginner's Guide to DXM, a summary of DXM deaths, extractions, and preparations, including a copy of the original patent for DXM.
The Dextro [Rated : 3/5 ]
The Dextro site includes interactive forums, a parenting section, DXM art, pictures, webmail, and their famous zine.
DXM Trip [Rated : 3/5 ]
The DXM Trip website is fairly new but very informative. The author "DXM Trip" has submitted two articles to this zine and adds many more to his site all the time. The site does not includes basics, but includes information on extractions, combinations, trip reports, and other scientific data. Another great up and coming site.
Lycaeum > Leda > DXM [Rated : 3/5 ]
The Lycaeum's DXM page includes information about DXM documents, links, images, and a few trip reports.
Coricidin (Dextromethorphan + Chlorpheniramine Maleate) Harm Reduction Website [Rated : 2/5 ]
Robert F. Golaszewski 's Coricidin Harm Reduction is designed as a warning against recreational Coricidin use. It serves a great harm reduction purpose and documents deaths and incidents which have occurred from Coricidin use.
Dextromethorphan [Rated : 2/5 ]
A one page site with pharmaceutical information on DXM.
DXM Information Station [Rated : 1/5 ]
A one page site with information on sources, dose, the experience, and legal status. Some of the information on this site is inaccurate.
SyrupHead [Rated : 1/5 ]
A site which is more of a personal blog, but does include a few trip reports.
Blue Cosmonaut [ Not Rated ]
A Russian about recreational DXM use, in addition to other drugs. Not rated because it is not in English.
The German DXM FAQ [ Not Rated ]
A DXM FAQ in German. Not rated because it is not in English.
Drugs I Have Known And Love (Dihkal) - Dextromethorphan (Dekstrometorfaanin) [ Not Rated ]
A recreational DXM website in Finnish, including a guided walk through of what seems to be the Agent Lemon extraction. Not rated because it is not in English.
DXM POETRY AND ARTWORK
USER SUBMITTED ARTWORK AND POETRY FROM DXM USERS
compiled by peoplesmind [zine @ dextroverse . org]
[Note : If you wish to submit any poetry or artwork for zine 17 please feel free to email it to zine @ dextroverse . org.]
[By Vision Quest]
I feel the familiarly cold prickle of the melancholy death chemical
As it begins to trickle into my waiting brain
I feel the anesthetic vibes taking hold
Like the icy digits of a frozen skeletal hand
Clutching the top of my tingling spine
And the back of my cerebral cortex
Slowly freezing and numbing my gray matter
Like winter frost
I begin to disconnect
And the ink of reality smears
A Life to Live
stare into the presence that stares back, that stares
into you, that will never let you forget that you can
never be like them, that you will always stand alone,
and that without this you are dead. This is my moment
in a collection of moments.
Something weakens, something falls away, flows along
some imaginary surface, a ground where there was none
before, a place for me to stand and be me. Others are
different. He is different. He was the first. I'm
thinking and he thinks back at me, crosses over and
returns to me, and this is my moment in a collection
i feel, and it hates me, and i feel more, and it grows
stronger, and it hates me more, i walk towards
nowhere, i pace back and forth, and soon it will
awaken. this is my moment in a collection of moments.
i understand, and it knows me, i run away, but it can
see. all defenses crumble. no walls hold it back for
walls cannot hold back themselves or the restrictions
they impose. he was the second. he knows me, all my
thoughts, he is me but isn't me, and i have no way of
knowing him, but he knows everything, and he is in
control... this is my moment in a collection of
i take the drugs, i break the chains, they keep me
alive, but soon i find something else. there is
another one here, he was third, or fourth, or fifth,
and many voices and faces. stepping into me he knows
me too but i am me in this place. i feel a destiny
beyond me, a goal to be reached, and a future to be
realized. the other is shattered, i am no one else, i
am alone and whole and content. this is my moment in a
collection of moments.
i come down, i beg for mercy, i try to take more, it
is too late, i am not me, i was never me, something
else has come back to kill me, me that is not me. i
awaken but sleep again. i scream but remain silent.
spinning in my own void he is in control. this is my
moment in a collection of moments.
i open my eyes, i remember i am me. there is sabotage,
there is someone else. i do not remember his crimes. i
do not remember his face. i am me. soon i forget, i am
not me but i never remember. broken until i am healed
again. this is my moment in a collection of moments.
these moments are not mine, they do not *smell* like
me. i do not remember, i never remember, i always
remember the fact that i never remember. and soon i
want drugs again. he smiles. this is my moment in a
collection of moments.
i want to be me again but i never remember i want to
be me, always thinking i want to be someone else. all
for nothing. what has been gained is lost, and he has
won. this is my moment in a collection of moments.
i am broken, something that should never have been.
there is no goal, and no purpose. i am aimless. i
yearn to be free but do not know it. i am a prisoner
to me and i think i am me. flowing underneath like an
endless river: me that is not me, he becomes me, and i
say i am me and it is alright.... but somewhere he
knows, and he who knows will never surrender. the
battle is endless, the cycle begins again, and this is
only a moment in a collection of moments.
Of steel droplets
And broken dreams
Stare into space
And hope to find
A path to something better
The essential frailty
Of all life
Beckons to all who listen
The child stands at the crossroads
In a time long past
A structure stood
Where there is only empty road
And while it stood
There was peace
Everything was easier back then
He said to himself
But there was no one around
No one alive
To hear his lament
All alone, standing at the nexus
He waited for his judgement
But none came, no one cared
And the earth did not devour him
But was silent
Two meters below the horizon
Lay the resting place of millions
Underneath the shadow of a mountain
That they would never see
He reveled in the silence
The child sits and waits for the end
Dreams spin through the skies
Dreams of being alive
Of the times he can still remember
Through the fog, and the rain
He once stood proud
Humbled and alone
He knows everything
He is like a god
The only finality is the Finality itself. The dusk.
The end. And I die within that end, laughing my head
off because I know it will never happen.
We all chase some semblance of meaning, some truth
that lays at the end of it all, some arbitrary state
of enlightenment. And all without knowing:
The only finality is that which you will never see,
never touch, never taste, and never know.
And even then, when you have reached up and looked at
it, rubbed it, taken a bite out of it, and understood
it with all your mind and heart, it was just as dead
as you are.
It never was.
That is the lie.
Can't get over this
Pieces of humanity
Long dead trees
I can't escape
Can't get over this
Swallowing our bones
I can't escape
Can't get over this
Ignorance and pride
I can't escape
Can't get over this
See distant stars
I can't escape
Can't get over this
Around the fire
And eternal night
I can't escape
Can't get over this
What was there to see?
In the mental wasteland
In the eye of the storm
A corpse had arisen
Stirring among the remnants
Detached from all his considerations
He loses his flesh
And soars in the sky
Alone in a world of beauty
A Life to Live
[Author's Note : some parts are excerpts from songs]
occasionally we meet at the graveyard in the middle of the night,
just to wander and look around at the monuments in the dark light,
so there i stood with my beautiful Eva and my friend Kyle,
i began the long arduous process of attempting to smile,
she was walking with me, we were both slow-mode robo zombies,
it was crazy, insane, yet beautiful, the light was slow, and on me,
stagger down a hill, flat-footed, giggling, just a bit hazed,
looking more than a little confused and dazed maybe even amazed,
dancing around the graves and crypts and pyramids and things,
a dark shadow of a gremlin that cast on the ground its wings,
our time-warped mind had failed to notice the sun and its rising,
thinking the sun had risen and set and seeing it again was surprising,
it was becoming about time to leave so we started to go to the car,
the metal box with the ability to move souls and spirit stars,
gathering in the car we had the most insightful conversation,
we were conversing concerns and contentions on current compositions,
Kyle's articulate voice started off with his mind's substrate choice,
"look at a panoramic view, its not fictional,
maybe a bit mystical, but its manageable,
so here i pose, one of life's questions,
amid what grows, people's deathblows,
the world's airflows, and the mind's plateaus,
from earth's psychos, from the ghettos,
to the zeros, and our world's heros,
just for an instance, i beg you to oppose,
what people have said, and what you have read,
whats done and dead, and whats in your head,
whats our purpose on this planet called Earth?
will it ever matter about our own birth?"
warped as we were, we started to think about the flood of information,
my mind jumping and thinking about my own life's repercussion,
in my head i devised an answer so beautiful and simply put,
but then i forgot what i had thought and my mind told me to quit,
my eva, she spoke very loud and clear as she had ever always done,
"under this sky, the earth and the sun,
some will die, with their soul to be one,
maybe your right, our existence doesnt matter,
maybe when we die, all that happens has ended,
but how lonely, would that thought ever be?
to live life alive, then die isolated in the sea,
as to purpose, i propose that people play,
play games of life, sometimes useful--sometimes mindless,
we live our strife, smart but plagued by blindness,
but when i bleed, i feel the strength of my life,
my life is buried, inside my soul accessible via knife,
but don't cut, at least not until your suicidal,
once i almost cut, but dont dare do like i do,
but like i was saying, the soul is hidden,
just sitting and laying, like a dark raven,
you must access it, and use it to the full,
though i must admit, getting there is painful."
since i was driving i thought to myself about their thoughts,
my mind started to wander about sunspots, teapots, and their message,
i saw the winsheild and realized i was about to drive off a bridge,
"stop talking and speaking, im thinking and driving,
and i cant be driving and thinking, without crashing!"
Life Just Is
"life dreams you by every day,
all you need to do is stop and play,
notice the glory of the days and nights,
notice the trails of the colorful lights,
watch the eyes of a beautiful girl,
open up and let her change your world,
skip and hop and dance through life,
sing and listen to the sound of a fife,
think and learn and do what you can,
but adapt to all of the changes in plan,
life is a mountain, we try to climb,
walk and run and struggle up towards prime,
but when you must, go down the other side,
for there are greater forces to whom we abide."
[Copyrighted -- Used with permission of author]